Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Friday, 30 January 2009

Work Etiquette out on Naughty Friday

As we all know it is really important to be proper and professional at work at all times. NOT!

Below is the kind of chat I have at work ;) It was between a colleague and I about arrangements for our manager's farewell later...

Mike says: hey
Jane says: ho
Jane says: wassup?
Mike says: what u call me??
Jane says: a ho
Jane says: you got a problem with that??
Jane says: huh? huh??
Mike says: no boss
Jane says: good
Mike says: u'r my pimp
Jane says: and it's baas hey?
Jane says: or madam
Mike says: listen...
Jane says: ja?
Mike says: don't u think we should call BJ (hehe) and book a table??
Mike says: it's always busy on Friday
Jane says: oh ja
Jane says: good idea
Jane says: although we are leaving at 3:30! woohoo!
Mike says: I'm full of them hey??
Jane says: can you do it?
Jane says: asseblief?
Mike says: no
Jane says: ag please man!
Mike says: NO!!
Jane says: You're fired!
Mike says: okay
Mike says: what time
Mike says: 3.30?
Jane says: ja 3:31:15
Jane says: need 0:1:15 to get there...
Mike says: lol
Jane says: I dinna get a card
Jane says: the bloody bottle of Jack was R180!
Jane says: wanna make one?
Jane says: since you are so kleva?
Mike says: fuck the card
Mike says: u think steve will treasure it?
Mike says: and keep it in his bedside draw??
Jane says: we'll if I fucked it he prolly would, yes
Jane says: I can not believe I actually typed that....
Mike says: lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jane says: backspace!!!
Mike says: he'd keep it under his pillow
Jane says: sies
Jane says: it would need to be a pop-up card...
Mike says: lol :)

And then I totally broke down laughing out loud until the entire department was looking at me...


Wednesday, 28 January 2009

A bit of 69 time

As with several other people I got this off Christel’s blog and thought it would be fun to answer it too:

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be?
No one, I mostly hate it when the phone rings. But if it has to ring it can be J - I do quite like talking to him. Even if he is full of kak and laughs at me all the time!

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Yes I do. I am very responsible about that. At worst I will leave it safely out of the way. I almost always push my own trolley, unpack my own trolley and load my car too. I have 2 fully functional arms and like to do it myself.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
I have become a talker. I talk FAR too much. I really need to make myself LISTEN more. I am aware of it through and I do try.

4. Do you take compliments well?
No not really. I like getting them, but I need to get better at accepting them graciously and not to immediately be self deprecating. I have noticed how when I compliment someone sometimes' a person who is not able to accept a compliment can actually almost imply you have bad taste/judgement, and that's quite rude! So if someone says something nice just say 'Thank-you!'

5. Do you play Sudoku?
I try, but I am not that good, sadly. I expected to be better at it!

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
Yes I am pretty sure I would. Probably depending on how extreme the conditions were, but I have a good general knowledge and am quite capable and self sufficient, so I am fairly sure I could get by.

7. Do you like to ride horses?
No not really. But I would try again. I don't think I have had very good experiences so far.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yes, we camped and caravanned too. I enjoy camping. I have yet to do very rustic camping, i.e. out in the bush with just what you have with you. I have only camped at camp sites or music festivals etc.

9. What was your favourite game as a kid?
Erm... I loved playing with my 1st Love doll, and lots of fantasy play imagining scenarios and 'being' various people and characters. As for board games I LOVED Trivial Pursuit.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it? Hrm... really depends on the situation, but probably not. I would certainly question them and their motives though.

11. Have you lied to get out of a date?
Not that I recall.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Yes, but I think I would struggle to be very close to someone who was really devout (especially Christian) because it's just a fundamental difference in belief systems and this filters through to many levels.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
A bit of both.

14. Use three words to describe yourself?
Rational, Capable, Witty.

15. Do any songs make you cry?
Yes, quite a few actually. They help me to access my emotional side.

16. Are you continuing your education?
I read and learn and research all the time! If I wonder about something I will Google it and find the answer. I don't have any immediate urge to study formally right now though.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yes, and I have done so a few times.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
My laptop first and my concertina file full of filed documents second. Everything else is just 'stuff'.

19. How often do you read books?
All the time. I am usually reading something. I have been a bit slack in the past 6 months or so, but I used to read every night before going to sleep.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
I think about all 3, I focus on the present and dream about the future sometimes, but have no specific plans for the future for now. So at the moment I am more about the here and now than anything else.

21. What is your favourite children’s book?
Um for sentimental value 'Guess How Much I Love You', but I also love the Richard Scarry Busy World Books for their detail, quirkiness and how much fun they are. You can relook over them forever no matter how young or old you are.

22. What colour are your eyes?
Bluish grey.

23. How tall are you?
165 cm

24. Where is your dream house located?
No idea. Home is where the heart is. I could live almost anywhere.

25. Do you have a secret fetish?
Not really. I am a pretty much open book, and I have no obsessions.

26. Have you tried sushi?
Yes and I LOVE it. I make it too.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
No not yet.

28. When was the last time you were at a library?
About 6 months ago. We used to go quite regularly though.

29. When was the last time you were at Church?
Hrm... ages ago! I think mid 2004 at my manager's memorial service. I don't do church.

30. Where was the furthest place you travelled today?
Here to work - all 4km away! ;)

31. What was your favourite job?
I enjoyed my work with the Ubuntu community immensely, and VERY much loved my doula'ing - I miss it!

32. Do you like mustard?
Yes I do, esp whole grain mustard.

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I eat too much and don't sleep enough - figure it out!

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
My mom - unfortunately. I hope I don't continue on that trend as I age!

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
About 5 minutes, 10 if I wash my hair. If I want to take my time I bath.

36. Can you do the splits?
No, but I'd love to!

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Burn After reading.

38. If you could fast forward your life, would you? Hell no! WTF is the point of that!?

39. What did you do for New Year’s?
A kiddies party. It was fun but not half as fun as the previous one which seriously ROCKED BIG TIME!

40. Do you think dying is scary?
No. I think the circumstances surrounding it can be, but I have no issue with the concept of death itself.

41. Could you relate to a character in Grey’s?
George! :)

42. Do you own a camera phone?
Yes, who doesn't these days?

43. Do you have an “ex box” with pics and letters from past lovers?
No. I have a few scattered things left over, but I have thrown most of my old stuff away. I kind of wish I had kept it though some of it was sweet, funny and cringe-worthy!

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?

45. What’s the last letter of your middle name?

46. Do you like your middle name?
No, but I don't hate it. It just has no relevance or significance to me. It is Margaret.

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Between 6-8 usually.

48. Do you like care bears?
Not particularly.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
Usually nothing, sometimes a Coke Light, very occasionally popcorn. Movies are for watching, not eating a meal!

50. Do you know how to play poker?
More or less, but I am not expert and would need a little guidance at times. I could learn it quite easily with practise though.

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
Always. Everyone in my car does. I don't like driving with people without a seat belt on.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
Usually nothing.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Um YES. This is Cape Town, lots happens here!

54. How many meals do you eat a day?
2 officially, but I snack far too much.

55. Is your tongue pierced?

56. Ever meet anyone you met on Face book?
Well my Face book friends are all people I have met before - whether in real life or elsewhere on the Internet, that's why I consider them 'friends'. I haven't picked up any total stranger on FB so I guess that's a no. But I have met LOADS of people on the Internet who go on to be real life friends, or lovers, or even spouses!

57. Do you read the newspaper?
I read news online, and very occasionally browse a (leaves the black stuff on your fingers kind of) paper. I read them when offered on aeroplanes etc.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
I like fun/funny people. But people need to know how to be serious as well when the situation warrants it.

59. Ever been to heaven?
Yes I have! Heaven is a super cool 3-storied gay club in London near Embankment. I was there with a couple of gay/bi/geek guys from Canonical when I worked there. I had FUN!

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
No, and I won't because I have eaten SO MUCH shit in the past few days I feel revolting and very disappointed in myself. *sigh* I still need to figure out why I do that. It's so self-defeating.

61. Do you use curse words in other languages?
Oh fok yeah!

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Both. I steal transient pop shit and buy more lasting and esp SA music. I like to support local artists.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
I like chocolate. I can live without it though.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
I don't fight with my dad, we get along great. He is awesome. I have nothing to do with my mother. I don't like her at all. I stopped talking to her 2.5 years ago. She has phoned me once or twice since, but I really have no desire to try to establish a functional relationship with her again. there is only so many times I am prepared to try with people.

65. Are you a gullible person?
No. If anything I am a bit cynical.

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
No I don't. I know my happiness is within myself. But it is nice having someone to share things with and to be intimate with. Someone who really knows and 'gets' you. I like that, but I don't NEED it.

67. If you could have any job what would it be?
This is a really tough question! I have always (well in the past 5-10 years) said I want to be a midwife... now I am not so sure. I really don't know right now!

68. Are you easy to get along with?
I really do think I am. Look I can get moody and can be a bit caustic, snappish and even 'insensitive' apparently. But on the whole I think I am nice, and adaptable and just fit in and get along with people.

69. What is your favourite time of day?
Um... wow, it really depends on the day, my mood and what's going on I think. Probably mid morning though.

Monday, 26 January 2009

My mom is crazy!!!

Is what Quinn was thinking last night, I am sure!

I was doing some school project research with him on the internet (Wikipedia & Google FTW!), and we created a word document full of suitable info and pics. I need to print it for him and we don't have a printer at home, so I was emailing it to myself - at work (I'm too lazy to copy onto memory stick etc ok!). Yeah yeah abusing the stationery & stuff at work. Whatever. Shhh!.

Anyway the point is I knew Quinn was reading my screen over my shoulder so I decided to play the fool - since he was already questioning why I was emailing my SELF! D'uh!

So I typed the following message in the email body, instead of the usual blank message with attachment I would usually send...


Here you go darling. Have a nice day! I love you! *kiss kiss* Love from ME


Quinn started sniggering as I was typing it, and then laughing out loud, until he eventually said ' Mom what are you doing??'.

I told him 'Well someone has to send me love letters!' LOL.

The general consensus was that 'Mom you are weird!'

But then this morning on 5fm Gareth Cliff was talking about affirmations and self-actualisation... so maybe I am not that crazy after all....?

A simple kind of life

It is so nice when just BEING with a person feels so normal and natural and comfortable that you completely lose track of time, or worry, or any external responsibility.

On Saturday morning J & I took a run in the Simon's Town mountains, and then had a swim in the dam. Afterwards we sat/lay next to the dam drying off and chatting. We ended up sitting there for ages (and getting inadvertently quite sunburned) just being there together. Chatting randomly about things both important, and completely trivial. Unaware of the passing of time, or any other worries. Just being in that nice timeless space of togetherness.

Eventually we realised we'd better muster up the energy to run back again. So we got up and got dressed and then stood looking at the view, and again got into a dream-like state for another while. It is so nice to be in that state where there are no worries and it feels like nothing needs to be done immediately.

We finally managed to get our asses into gear and ran back, at quite a good pace too. We went back home, where J made a delicious salad which we had with wine for lunch while browsing through the newspaper, and then lay on the couch together and had a little afternoon nap.

I could do with more days like that, it was divine! Simple things like that are what mean the most to me in life.


"All I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life"
Simple Kind of Life,
Gwen Stefani

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change


I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

Make That Change.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Back to School 2009!

So today is back to school for us.

Quinn started grade 4 and it was Griffin's big day starting Grade 1!!

It went very well. Griffin was super chuffed and smiley and Quinn was very caring and supportive towards him. I must say I don't find days like this sad and teary at all. I feel more happy and proud and impressed with them than anything else.

Griff dressed himself, Quinn helped him with shoe laces and I did his tie.

I can't wait to pick them up later and hear how it went. Griff is going straight to after-care - but it's right outside his classroom and he knows everyone there already since Q has been there for 3 years so he'll be fine Smile

Here are some pics:

All of us at various times this morning including Roxy (of course) and our trusty nanny Tiny.

Quinn on Day 1 of Grade 1,2,3 & 4

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

J Bored Mom

Earlier tonight I was J-boarding again (I am getting better!) and Q wanted to take a photo so he got the camera... I managed to ride ALL the way down the road and make almost a full turn too. But when I checked the 'photo' he had actually taken a video... I found it really funny so I have made a little movie.

Nuff sed...

Video can be viewed here:

Nee hee!!


This made me snort out loud at my desk today!

Monday, 19 January 2009

I could use somebody

Use Somebody - Kings Of Leon

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces, fill the places I cant reach

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you, And all you know, And how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

I've been roaming around,
Always looking down at all I see

Apparently I am Po...

So yesterday I was watching a bit of Kung Fu Panda with my and J's kids, and him just before he went out for a run.

So Quinn says 'Look mom. Listen, this is YOU!, Listen, it's coming... now!'

And with that Po is caught raiding the cabinet for cookies and stuffing his face. When caught he says, 'I eat when I am upset, ok?'

I am not sure I am that happy that my children have noticed this about me...

Or that they are announcing it to the world for that matter. ;) *sigh*

Oh well I guess that makes me a Dragon Warrior too... or is that Dragon Worrier? ;)

Don't lose your trust

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." - Thomas Jefferson

I am really trying to understand how a person who you spent more than 12 years with - more than 10 of those married - and had 3 children with, can end up being so very different to what you thought you knew?

I mean, apart from my father, this has been the most significant person in my life so far. I have shared EVERYTHING about myself with him. He knows me inside and out and has seen me at my very best and very worst. He FATHERED my children. He was there when they were born! I shared almost every thought I had with him... too much maybe.

How can I just erase all of that past, all of those memories, everything we had and shared?

Perhaps I need to just let this all go completely, move on and never look back? But somehow I can't I keep searching for a resolution. I seem to want and need closure of some kind now.

This limbo state, of him sort of being around, sort of seeing the kids, but not really. Never seeing or talking to me, treating me like a leper. I don't cope well with that. I don't like being completely powerless, cut off, rejected. In fact this is what affected me most in my marriage. Emotional alienation and stonewalling really freaks me out. I really can't deal with it well at all. I feel completely rattled and unsettled by it and it makes me dressed and hopeless. It makes me feel worthless and unlovable.

Was it even real!? Was he real at all, or was it all just an elaborate charade, pretending to be normal, happy and functional. WHAT THE FUCK WENT WRONG? and WHY? I still don't understand, and I don't think I ever will.

Will I ever be able to be that open with anyone again? Will I trust and hope and feel safe? I am not sure I can any more. I am not innocent or naive any more. I am guarded. I question, I look for faults, I doubt, I sabotage. I cry.

I need to get my trust back. My hope, my positive fighting spirit. I need to get out of this slump. I need to believe in someone again. To know them, and feel safe letting them really know me.

Coldplay - See You Soon

So you lost your trust,

And you never should have,
you never should have,

But don't break your back,

If you ever see this,
Don't answer that.

In a bullet proof vest,

With the windows all closed,

I'll be doing my best,

I'll see you soon,

In a telescope lens,

And when all you want is friends,

I'll see you soon.

So they came for you,

They came snapping at your heels,

They come snapping at you heels,

But don't break your back,

If you ever see this,
Don't answer that.
In a bullet proof vest,

With the windows all closed,

I'll be doing my best,

I'll see you soon,

In a telescope lens,
And when all you want is friends,

I'll see you soon,
I'll see you soon.

and oh you lost your trust,

and oh you lost your trust,

and oh Don't lose your trust,

and oh you lost your trust.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Quinn Recorder Virtuoso

I introduce to you:


Nose Recorder Extrordinaire!

Because playing normally, would be far too obvious.

p.s. does anyone know if/how video files can be rotated?

Friday, 16 January 2009

Stuff currently current

This meme is copied from Laura - its all about what's currently happening in your life.

Current Book:

Shantaram - by Gregory David Roberts. It is an EPIC novel which is taking me FOREVER to read (been surfing the net far too much instead), but I am finally getting into it and look forward to reading at night.

Current Play List:

1. Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire

2. Stereophonics - Dakota

3. King of Leon - Use Somebody

4. All American Rejects - Gives You Hell

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:

Eating peanut butter, straight out of the jar.

Current Colour:

Bright Pink. I have suddenly taken to it and am embracing my girliness... I used to hide from it or try to not be a 'girl'.

Current Passion(s):

Being with a warm, real, expressive, open, emotionally honest and quite visceral man. One who immediately after our first (rather spectacular) real life meeting just one short week after first meeting on-line, went away for 10-day to work on the other side of the world and was bold enough to feature ME (me!?) in his travel journal...

"There was a girl called Jane last night. A first-time meeting of mind and spirit, soul and body. But somehow it was not like the first time at all. Shared understanding, synchronicity, a deeper knowing, all of this simmered between us, synching back to a communal source of serendipity. Instinctual, visceral, wise, fuckable, independent, straight-shooting, inquiring, hold-you-in-my-arms-forever Jane. I don’t know you, but I do so know you.

And so, after 48 hours of not sleeping, I’m brain-dead in Brazil, with Jane in my head."

I am STILL pretty blown away by that. No one I have ever been with has ever been that open or honest or expressive. I am used to the cool and nononchalant and almost 'do I even know you?' treatment from guys afterwards. You know, cos they don't do emotional or deep meaning. *rolls eyes* In fact if anything that's how I am now!

Current Drink:

Savannah or beer or wine.

Current Food:

Sushi or Salmon salads.

Current Wish List:

Just taking each day as it comes, enjoying small pleasures and special moments. I guess my wish would be that things can and will continue as they are.

Current Need:

I have no real NEEDS. I want to see Jacques again soon though.

Current Triumph:

Surviving on my own with 2 kids and everything that involves - although I always knew I could and would. I can do it all with no help from anyone else. I do accept, and employ, help at times though!

Current Bane of my Existence:

My ex - the situation is getting REALLY old now, and has not worked out half as amicably or functional as I had really hoped. On the plus side at least I have no doubts about leaving him, it was 100% the right thing to do... I should have done it way sooner actually. But I did want to try.

Unfortunately it is make me feel unbalanced, out of control and actually quite depressed. I NEED a resolution one way or another. I can't take the uncertainly and upheaval anymore. It is completely exhausting and affects every other aspect of my life too. Truth be told I think I have been quite depressed this week. I MUST move on, otherwise I fear I'll start to sabotage the good stuff in my life... :(

Current Indulgence:

Salmon. I have been buying smoked salmon for myself for the past month or 2, just small portions at at time for making sushi or yummy salads for dinner. And of course many watermelons.

Current #1 Blessing:

Having met a wonderful caring and 'unbroken' man. I am still scared to talk about it, or admit feeling happy, for fear that I will jinx it all.

(In my marriage - for the last few years anyway - any time I felt or acted or expressed that I felt content and happy, everything would fall apart again. So now I fear being too happy and especially feeling complacent.)

Current Slang or Saying:

FUCK! - I say it a lot, in all it's glorious variants, with careless abandon!

I also like ass-hat and ass-clown.

Current Outfit:

Today, jeans and a bright pink flowing shirt.

Current Excitement:

All the hope and anticipation in my life at the moment. I am open to new experiences and learning and growing.

Current Mood:

Dare I say it? Happy.

Current Picture(s):

Quinn and I on Camps Bay Beach on 4 Jan 2009.
Griffin and I in Grabouw Beach on 22 Dec 2008.
Jacques and I at Kirstenbosch 11 Jan 2009.

Feel like the one

Stereophonics - Dakota

Thinking about thinking of you
Summertime think it was June
Yeah think it was June
Laying back, head on the grass
Children grown having some laughs
Yeah having some laughs.

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two
Drinking with you
And drinking was new
Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Needed to go far

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

Wake up cold coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you?
I wonder if we’ll meet again
Talk about us instead
Talk about why did it end

Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
Made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

So take a look at me now

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

I have a new brother in law... I think.

So I have alluded to this in a few posts and now I want to tell the story... because well this is my blog, and it has been bothering me since it all happened. It will either cause a rift, or perhaps the person in question might read it and see how this all looks from the outside. So without further ado here it is...

My younger sister and I have always been pretty close. Heck we grew up together and her baby was my first doula experience! We have a bond. My kids used to list her, her hubby and son as their best aunt, uncle and cousin all the time.

Anyway we have lived on opposite sides of the country for years now but have kept irregular but pretty close contact.

She has been though a lot of stuff in the past year or 2. She was quite depressed pretty much since the birth of the child to varying degrees. Unitl finally
she became rather unstable and booked herself in for a psych evaluation, followed by being diagnosed as bi-polar just over a year ago and is now on medication for that. She since got herself sterilized (at 29!) early last year, and then phoned me in April to say she was getting divorced. Which was a huge shock to me and I even told R we must stop being silly and sort OUR shit out...

Anyway she was divorced very quickly, by mid June. And then I was going through my own stuff so I didn't speak to her that much after that, but we have spoken...

Recently I told her I was seeing someone and her attitude was kind of 'oh that's nice' and nothing more. So I didn't elaborate much in case she was feeling lonely - she lives in a small industrial town where not much happens... But she never indicated she was seeing anyone at all. In fact at times she moaned about her ex kind of rubbing it in that he was dating a bit...

Anyway, she told me months ago that she was coming down to CT for Christmas with her son (he is 3). I was glad. Then she said she wasn't staying with me. Oh, ok. Then she said she was coming without her son. Oh! Then she said she wouldn't even spend Christmas day with me. (I assumed it was because she decided to rather spend the day with our mother, who I don't see or speak to anymore). She's seemed a bit offish, but I couldn't think why and thought maybe she was just busy. I was too, so I pretty much left it at that.

Then she mailed me saying can I make myself available for lunch on Dec 27th - without kids - for 'something important'. I was pretty sure it was because she wanted to sit me down and give me grief over the whole mother situation. I questioned why, saying I really didn't want to get into anything unpleasant, and asked if we could move the day because I was planning on spending that day with Jacques who had just come back and before he goes away for 2 weeks. I just had that ONE day to spend with him. She didn't really respond.

On Christmas day she was meant to come around for the morning and she finally arrived at 11:30 with a young, dashing, coloured guy in tow. I assumed he was a colleague and he seemed nice, although we visited for a very short time so I don't know much about him at all. Except that he is originally from Mitchell's Plein, but lives up country in her town and they work at the same place. It seemed like they could have been seeing each other but it really wasn't clear. Either way it wouldn't bother me, what so ever. I told her then that the Saturday didn't work for me, so could we spend the day together on the Sunday. She said it was fine... So off they went for the rest of Christmas Day.

On the Saturday morning (2 days later) I phoned. I asked if that was the new man in her life and she said yes, and I said 'very nice', and then I tried to check on plans for the next day. She seemed a bit preoccupied and said she'd phone me later to confirm. She said nothing further. Then at 11am she phoned sounding rather funny and asking if I could get myself to such-and-such a chapel quickly. I was like 'erm no I am out in the Simon's Town mountains now', I was having a run with Jacques and his aunt and cousin who were in from Pretoria and whom I had JUST met. I was worried thinking something had happened to my mom or someone or something. I asked wtf was going on and she said 'Oh... um... I am about to get married' !!!! WTFF!??? Shocked Shocked Shocked

I was literally floored and speechless. She said she told no one, she is just doing it and no one must make her try to change her mind cos she is sure.

They were going for lunch afterwards near where I was so I said I'd pop in. I took a bit long to get there but I got there pretty much at the time I had said I could and they were gone, she just sent an sms saying 'sorry we missed you' and then didn't answer her phone again. (Anyway the place was where J and I had our first 'date' so we ended up having a couple of cocktails and had a fun time on our own in the end.)

I was and am totally flabbergast. I ended up phoning my other sister and father and both knew NOTHING of it, but agreed with me that her choices are hers to make and we have always been supportive. So we have no idea why she has been so weird and cagey about it all. I didn't want to skinner and get the 'bush-telegraph' buzzing, but it just seems so weird and sudden and impulsive.

So it seems I have a new brother-in-law!

Jacques was so funny because as mentioned we were out with his aunt and cousin from Pretoria when I got the news and we were all thinking wtf and he said 'Hey we should just get married today too!' I was like 'erm.... NO!'.

It's not that I would never consider it again, but I am certainly not looking to get married and would NOT rush into it, or do it just because. No way. If I ever do it again it will be for the right reasons only.

He of course thinks my family is completely insane (I guess they are. I am the 'normal' one and I know I am not normal!)

After that I tried and tried to get hold of her and make plans to see her and she ducked and dived and avoided me.

She never arrived or answered her phone or made any contact on the next day, the Sunday we were meant to spend together, and when I finally got hold of her in the evening her excuse was 'Well I am kind of on honeymoon'.

I tried to find out what she was doing for NYE and got hardly any response, then I phoned her on New Years Day and invited her to the sunset picnic on the beach, and she said yes they'd be there. Guess what? They never rocked up! She was meant to come with us to Ratanga on the Friday, that also didn't happen.

My dad and other sister phoned for Quinn's birthday on the Saturday and not a word from her... and then she finally came over briefly the following Monday for about half an hour, without him and explained that there was some chaos, drama and disapproval around the wedding from his family's side which they had been dealing with. I was understanding and even supportive. She said she really wanted to see me though and we made definite plans to go up Lion's Head 2 days later. Well guess what? She cancelled that 2 hours before because 'she felt a bit depressed' that day.

It's not like we get to see her very often. Once every year or 2 only. I was more than a bit hurt and put out about it at the time. It irks me that I have been there for her whenever she has needed me. And talked her of the proverbial ledge for hours on end - leaving my own children hanging, and now she doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone.

FWIW Jacques was quite annoyed with her on my behalf too, even though he has never met her, because he had wanted me to go on holiday with him, and I had said no because I was staying to spend time with her. He can't fathom how someone could behave like this...

I am just sad, because Bee and I have always been so close, and I was there for the birth of her CHILD! KWIM?!

The other thing that bothers me is SURELY a wedding should be a public celebration and sharing of your happiness and commitment to your chosen partner with your nearest and dearest friends and family? Surely if it is what you really think is the right thing to do you don't hide away, duck and dive, and avoid everyone? That's my thinking anyway?

I mean even if you do elope, surely you at least share the news proudly AFTERWARDS? She seems to be pretending it never happened.

I mean when he came to collect her after they were married after that brief visit before we were supposedly going up Lion's Head he stayed in the car and didn't even open the window or greet me. Niiice. It just doesn't feel right.

Oh well, I guess they know where I am.

I won't be holding my breath.

A word of advice

In my first hand experience and also from observations of those around me:


Just don't!!!

Don't say I didn't warn you!

The BIGGEST mistake of my life and it just doesn't ever end...

** Oh or drug addicted either!

Monday, 12 January 2009

De-worsed, re-worsed, may the wors be with you!

So after a FULL 2 weeks away on his family farm and around and about the Eastern Cape, with friends and family (and his children), J finally came back! It's amazing how much you can miss someone you have only known for 2 months. Sure I am still capable, independent, and more than willing and able to be on my own. But once you get close to someone there's something familiar and comfortable about it and it is easy to get used to seeing and being with a person and you start to crave it. Also the fact that I was invited to go along, but stayed behind in large part for my sister (but to be honest it wasn't the ONLY reason) and then her letting me down so many times and basically not getting to see her hardly at all, made it that much harder to be left here alone. I felt a bit abandoned and rejected actually (by her) and it made me feel lonely. Anyway I got over it and moved on and we had a good time here anyway. Plus lots of phone calls were made and sms's sent and the odd MMS too ;P - it all adds to the spice of life, and well actually I must be honest it is kind of nice to HAVE someone to miss, so I wasn't too upset about it all.

Anyway on Sunday that all changed with the return of 'The Wors' (long story but I have 2 very rude friends/exes/fags/Ken dolls or whatever you want to call them, and we ended up having a very rude and inappropriate 3-way e-mail discussion - in other words the best kind! - where the topic of Grabouw and wors erm, came up ;) and then some FaceBook status innuendo ensued...). So off the boys and I went on Sunday morning to spend the day with him.

It's funny, you never know how seeing someone after an absence will be. Well I don't anyway... with Richard I would always anticipate his return and in my mind it would be great, but in reality there was always something lacking. A stilted awkwardness almost. My relationship with him was always way better in my head. In this case I often think silly things like 'What if we don't get along anymore...?' Well on arrival I was greeted with a knee-trembling breath-taking passionate kiss. Then while the boys played with their gifts of some pretty awesome camping knives - without de-limbing themselves. We went up to change into swimming gear - or was that change OUT of it and then back into it again 10 minutes later..? ;) I think we still get along just fine ;)

Then it was off to the beach where we played with the dogs, had a good swim and did some body-surfing and then played in the sand. Griffin was in turn eaten by a big sand shark and then was a mermaid with big boobies (his giggling request), and Quinn decided he wanted a 'big winky'. *rolls eyes* Boys!

After all the beach antics, wheer I got very sunburned. Youch! We went back home for lunch and a nice long cuddle session, while the boys watched 'Barbie Rapunzel'. Later we went to the Kirstenbosch Summer Sunset concert where Watershed was playing. I have seen them there before and they were really good last time. This time they were ok, but they didn't seem that enthusiastic or energetic and there was no encore, which is very unusual. However I didn't really care it was fun to be there and we were relaxed and enjoying ourselves regardless. We were checking out people as they walked past, and calling out names as we recognised people so we could say hello. When I tried to take photos I was attacked, and had my nose picked, and was prodded and tickled until I gave up, so no proper photos looking civilised for us.

After the concert we went back to J's place by which time it was already after 9pm, and after far too much sun we were all really tired so we put the boys to bed, and we went to bed to read.

I love how naturally and comfortably days like this unfold.

On Monday I woke up VERY late and had to rush home to drop of the boys and dog and do a quick change before getting to work 30 mins late. Oops!

Saturday, 10 January 2009

21 Things I Want In A Lover

21 Things I Want In A Lover - Alanis Morissette

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny?
la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime
I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?
...curious and communicative...

Friday, 9 January 2009

If you think I am crazy...

Now some may argue that I am certifiably insane. Hey, I would probably not even attempt to argue the point.

I choose to embrace my craziness. It's fun, it's quirky, it gives me an excuse to be mental and wild at times! *evil grin* I carry on in the hopes that my brand of crazy is good, and well, mostly harmless.

However, it appears that I am the SANE one in my family. Now THAT is a scary thought!

If I am sane, you can only imagine how deranged the others are? Oh. MY. GOD!

I was told last night 'Thank god you take after your father' I have to agree. Thank God* indeed! I would have it no other way thanks. I may be insane, but at least I am rational. Hang on, can you be insane and rational at the same time...? Well on my planet you CAN m'kay!?

*Or whatever you believe in, His Great Noodly Appendage or whathaveyou!

Confessions of an addict...

Ok it is time for me to confess...

I am an addict.

There I said it! Luckily my addiction is seasonal, so I have about half a year where I get to detox and 12-step myself through my withdrawals, otherwise I would really be in trouble. But come spring I am drooling and shaking in anticipation and I dive right back in where I left off as soon as my obsession becomes available again. Sigh. It's pathetic really. I should have more self control. But there seems to be no cure, and my craving does not abate....

I wonder if there is rehab for this kind of addiction???

So what is my addiction? WATERMELON! I literally can not get enough of the stuff. I am the only one who eats it in my household and I can quite literally eat it until I can't fit any more in. I can easily eat 2 whole watermelons per week - or more maybe?!? ON MY OWN. And not little ones either. (I bought one on Monday and another yesterday...)

Don't tell me it is healthy, it is not, not in these quantities! ;) Today and yesterday it is pretty much all I have eaten all day. Both days I have had 2x 1l lunch boxes FULL of it for lunch. My tummy is bloated from the stuff!

YUM!!! YUM!!! YUM!!! YUM!!!

LOL I just remembered that I have blogged about this before... see it has been going on a for a while. I see back then it was one a week... now I am doing 2. Oh dear! My summer handbag is a watermelon too I am using that one at the moment actually!

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Snuggly Pillow

I need to get me one of these!

I hug a pillow while I sleep Embarassed
So I don't feel so lonely - when I am alone.

Of course the real thing works so much better!

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Lion's Head Sunset Picnic Hike

I had arranged a Sunset Hike up Lion's head with my sister and her new husband (!!!) tonight. The boys were not going to go with us this time, so that I could focus just on her. But she canceled late this afternoon (she is less than reliable right now, so it looks like I won't really be spending any time with her while she is down in Cape Town, despite me passing up a holiday opportunity myself so that I could stay here and be here to see her and spend quality time with her and support her. Just a tad annoyed about that am I!).

I still wanted to go up Lion's Head though and not just cancel the evening altogether, but after contacting almost everyone I know (including several ex boyfriends, and eligible colleagues and ex colleagues) to join me and being declined by everyone *sulk* Does NO ONE love me!? *wail* LOL.

Anyway in the end I decided to take the boys along. Because I thought f'it I was going to go anyway no matter what! We also took the neighbour's son Daniel at the last minute too. Seems I only spend time with kids these days... oh well facebook did age me at 10 years old yesterday, so I guess that fits ;) A kid who can drive & drink. Woot! SCORE! ;)

So off we trekked at about 6pm. I had thought it would be really hot, but the top of the mountain was covered in cloud so it was quite chilly and a bit windy, and we were IN a cloud a lot of the time, which is quite magical and mystical. So we huddled up to keep warm, but then every now and again it would clear suddenly and give us brief but stunning views of the sun dipping towards the horizon.

We had a really wonderful time!

I LOVE Lion's Head and feel so blessed to have access to such an awesome place. It is very special to me.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Look what I can freaking do!!! YAY!

So I was on a mission to learn this... and today I got it right! I practiced on New Years Eve (both inside & outside Beryl's house) and was nearly there and today I managed to actually do it! I am able to propel myself for about 30-50 meters now. I am not brilliant, but it's a start at least.

Yeah baby!

Now I need to learn to turn properly, and not freak out when it 'drifts'.
Shame I love how the boys help me, and give me a nudge to get me going.

p.s. It is a J-board AKA Rip-stick. It was Quinn's xmas present.

This is what is looks like.

Saturday, 3 January 2009

Happy 9th Birthday Quinn!

Happy Birthday my big brave, helpful, quirky, fun-loving and caring boy!!!

I hope this year is going to be easier on you, and much as I need and appreciate all your help, I hope you'll have plenty of time to be fun & silly and just PLAY!

Enjoy being 9 my big boy.

Here is a look back on how you have grown up over the past 9 years.


2009 going to be a good one.

I am adamant (ok not adamant, but going to do what is in my power) to make 2009 a good year. I didn't make a resolution as such this year but I did give it some thought.

Last year I was pretty smug about my life and how it was all going and decided I didn't need to make any major changes in myself, my life and family. OMG how WRONG was I??? So no more smugness or complacence for me! So this year I have decided my 'resolution' for the year is just to go with things and make the most of them. To take on new experiences and opportunities with abandon and not be afraid to learn, feel, experience, change and be vulnerable. So in a nutshell to 'Carpe Diem' and not to regret NOT doing stuff.

To start 2009 we did a spur of the moment sunset picnic on Llandudno beach with friends on the 1st. (It is very hard to find an open shop after 5pm on New Years day btw!)

And then went to Ratanga yesterday, with 3 adults and 7 kids under 10...

Previously I didn't go on the roller coasters and found them a bit scary... well I seem to have been cured. I went on the Bushwacker and Diamond Devil several times and didn't find them scary at all. In fact I was taking photos on them, and had time and presence of mind to 'pose' for the ride cameras too. They are really pretty tame. I guess all the extreme sports I have been doing have made me bolder!

So far this year has been lovely. I am not making any major plans or trying to plot the course or outcome of the year, but I am enjoying the ride so far and I am going to see where it takes us.

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Meeting Wenchy

I met Mel/Supermom back in early 2001 on a parenting forum. I met her in real life in 2002 when she came down to Cape Town and we had a meet at Kirstenbosch. She is a lovely lovely person. Although I have only met her the once I feel like I know her well, and I'd love to spend more time with her and her gorgeous boys. Anyway that's not what THIS post is about...

Sometime after that Mel started a blog which I have been following it ever since, and then a flickr photostream. It's been years now! Somewhere along the line I met Christel/Wenchy through Mel's blog and started following Wenchy's blog and flickr photos etc.

Anyway Chris contacted me to say she'd be in Cape Town and having lunch with some blog people in Kalk Bay on Tues, so off we went. We met Angel, Heather, Janine(?) and (?) and of course Christel and Deon/Noid.

It was wonderful to FINALLY met the fabulous one and only Wenchy. Noid was hot/fun too!

I also really enjoyed meeting Angel's son who is a lovely lovely boy. So relaxed and at ease and with an inner confidence which was very endearing.

Thanks for the invite babe.

My photos are CRAP and I have serious lens envy after seeing the camera bling these girls tote around (but they have NOTHING on Jacques' cameras so welakapela!) ;)... ooh and I have breast envy too! (It's ok Jacques moobs can't compete there though) ;)

Here are some better photos by Angel's partner: