Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Monday, 31 August 2009

Live & Learn

I think this is something we could all do well to remember...

How A Child Learns

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, she learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, she learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, she learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, she learns to like herself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

(Dorothy Law Nolte)Erm, but if a child lives with crazy (mom), he learns to be insane...? ;)

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Viva Joie De Vivre, Viva Le Week-end!

This was a lovely busy but relaxed week-end.

The boys were meant to be with their dad, but I canceled all visits until further notice (yeah the saga continues, so we'll have to see what happens there) so they were with me instead.

On Friday I had to go collect a replacement cell phone for Quinn in town after dropping the boys at cubs. C & his son H tagged along. Once we had the cell phone we went to Asoka for a drink. Lovely sun downer spot! Then we collected my boys and made salad, hot dogs and squidies for dinner. The squidies were a hit with the kids and adults alike.

On Saturday we did some early morning gardening and I cleaned the pool etc, and then went to the park and scootered, skate boarded and played soccer until we were exhausted. Then we went to friends to watch rugby. Then back to C's place to watch soccer & have a braai etc. Got home after 9pm.

On Sunday, I got up at 6am. Got the boys up and ready and got to Villagers Rugby club by 7am in time to meet with C, and some other friends where we ran an 8km race (The Don Locke Memorial). I finioshed in a pretty decent - for me - 41 mins. C was challenging someone and ran ahead finishing in an impressive 34 mins! :shock:

C then went off to spend time with his son, while my boys and I went to do the grocery shopping and then home where we unpacked, bathed and then made banana bread, ginger bread men and cooked chicken for wraps for dinner.

We then washed the car inside and out including vacuuming etc. Then we cleaned up the kitchen and mopped the floor. After that we made and ate lunch.

Then it was off to the cub athletics badge event where there was running, sit-ups, push-up, chin-ups, throwing etc, not an easy badge at all, but loads of fun was had anyway.

Then since we were in the area already, we popped off the Camps Bay to surf and play at the beach for a bit. 8)

After that it was back home to meet up with C and H for dinner and a last play and that's the w/e over...

And. I. Feel. Great!

I was sick and tired for so long I forgot how fun it can be to DO STUFF when you feel normal! :)

Here are some pics of our activities and antics:

Saturday morning in the park.

Sunday, Don Locke Race:

Camps Bay Beach:

Then I may remove this one as it is more than a little embarrassing and lame...
Saturday morning fooling around at the park. I have finally met someone who not only tolerates my fooling around but actually encourages it! :shock: :oops: :roll:

I am not usually quite so energetic or productive but I think after literally a month of being too tired to really want to do much at all I am just making up for lost time now.

Feeling normal now feels fantastic! :)


Friday, 28 August 2009

When it's not me it's you!

Quinn has to do (yet another!) oral next week, this time on 'His favourite season'. He has chosen summer.

So we were discussing things he could mention. At one point I said, 'You could mention that I really love watermelon...?'
He said 'Nah'
So I said, 'But I really really like it!'
And he was all like, 'Yeah but I don't like it.'
So I jested, 'Fine! Make it all about YOU then, *sulk*'
To which he quipped, 'Er mom, it's supposed to be about ME!'

LOL. I love messing with my kids like that. We had a good chuckle after wards.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

When you know better, you do better

On Learning to Do Better

I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.
I walk down a different street.

-- Portia Nelson

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Mature vs youthful

Can you be mature without having to be old? I hope I can stay childish AND be mature at the same time. ;)

I think on the whole I am pretty mature, but I chose to behave immaturely sometimes, because it is more fun!

What is Maturity?

• Knowing myself.
• Asking for help when I need it and acting on my own when I don't.
• Admitting when I'm wrong and making amends.
• Accepting love from others, even if I'm having a tough time loving myself.
• Recognizing that I always have choices, and taking responsibility for the ones I make.
• Seeing that life is a blessing.
• Having an opinion without insisting that others share it.
• Forgiving myself and others.
• Recognizing my shortcomings and my strengths.
• Having the courage to live one day at a time.
• Acknowledging that my needs are my responsibility.
• Caring for people without having to take care of them.
• Accepting that I'll never be finished -- I'll always be a work-in-progress.

(from Courage to Change: One Day At a Time)

Tuesday, 25 August 2009


'A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing'

Monday, 24 August 2009

I've been relegated

So I seem to have officially lost my status as 'Mommy' now.
My 2 have been hesitantly switching to 'Mom' from 'Mommy' recently, to see how it feels and what reaction they'll get from me I think.

Now as of this week-end I seem to be officially 'Mom' to Quinn now and Griff calls me 'Moms' - which I actually love :)

It is strangely sad for me though because while I am not a Mommy (erm Mom) to resist, and get particularly teary about, my children growing up and reaching milestones, this one is significant for me. I had always longed to be a 'Mommy', and hearing my babies say 'Mommy' is one of the most awesome parts of motherhood for me. It is just so endearing and encompasses all of motherhood in my mind. 'Mom' to me denotes independence and self-sufficiency. I am no longer their all. I am simply 'Mom' now.
It's not bad at all, it's just a sign that my babies are pretty grown up now!

Friday, 21 August 2009

A gentle reminder...

To my ex, the rude lady outside the school this morning, and the mean teacher who gave Quinn yet another unwarranted demerit yesterday further pushing him and making him feel like no matter what he does it is not ever good enough ... and everyone else out there that needs a reminder.

Be more considerate.

If you propose to speak, always ask yourself:
- is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?
~ Gautama Buddha

CONSIDER ME - Prime Circle

Do you know who you’re friends are and what they say
Do you know what’s coming round again and again?
Do you know if you’re acting like someone else?
Do you know if it’s dangerous or the safest bet?

Cause I’m here waiting for
I’m here changing more.

Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through

Is it always the same or just moving along?
Do you have to put that face up to act strong?

And I can’t take anymore, but I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.

Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through
Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through

I’m here waiting for, something better just to come along
I’m here waiting all this time, waiting for the world
To change it’s mind.
I’m here waiting for something better to come along
I’ll take a chance on you, you take a chance to

Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through

I’m here waiting for, something better just to come along
I’m here waiting all this time, waiting for the world
To change it’s mind.

Thursday, 20 August 2009

Someone good

Lou Reed - Perfect Day

Just a perfect day,
Drink Sangria in the park,
And then later, when it gets dark,
We go home.
Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too,
And then home.

Oh it's such a perfect day,

I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own.
It's such fun.
Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself.
I thought I was someone else,
Someone good.

Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

When the candle burns out...

So I got sick with 'flu' or some such thing 2 weeks ago. I didn't feel THAT bad, but was snuffly and coughing and generally dead tired enough to take a day off work to rest, and then another after that since the next morning I just couldn't muster the energy to get up and dressed for work.

Both days I managed to get up and take the kids to school (in my pyjamas mind you!). By the second afternoon I got up and went and had my hair cut and ran a few errands. After which I needed to rest again.

The next day, a Friday, I went to work. Still sniffing and sneezing enough to be told I should have stayed off, but I thought I was ok. That evening I attempted a run with C. We did around 8km and I ended up having to walk some of it, because I simply didn't have energy. I felt SO flat.

That Sunday we ran the Women's Day 10km Challenge in Bellville. Again I felt less than energetic and thought I was going to die, but pushed on regardless and finished the race (albeit with much muttering & cursing along the way) in a fairly respectable official time of 52:56. Coming 109th out of 1628 finishers (93rd female). Whoop!

Anyway the rest of the day I was pooped, and I felt not much better on the Monday, which was a public holiday, to the point that when I took the boys to see Harry Potter 75 (or whatever number they are on now ;) ) I actually fell asleep and had a nice nap in the cinema. Oops.

On Wednesday last week I tried running to the gym and then doing a Power Plate class. The run ended up being a walk and the PP class broke me. TOTALLY. I could barely lift my arms afterward. I took my blood pressure, 3 times to be sure, and it was 90/50, and I was so pale. No wonder I was feeling half dead! On Thursday I kept feeling like I was going to pass out at work, so I took myself to the clinic to get a Vitamin B complex jab in the bum, and some expensive 'Super Cope' vitamins. I gave a nurse a 5-minute synopsis of my life and her response was a shocked, 'I am surprised you are still able to sit upright, never mind smile as well!'. LOL.

Anyway a week has passed and I have been taking Solgar Gentle Iron for my anaemia, and have had 3x Vit B complex bum jabs and have been taking the Slow Cope vitamins etc. and yesterday for the first time I started feeling like I have SOME energy again.

I am still not feeling strong yet, but at least I don't feel exhausted just at the thought of having to do simple things anymore. Even things I should enjoy and even want to do. I was actually starting to worry that I was getting depressed or just very lazy, so I was actually relieved to find an actual physiological reason for how I have been feeling.

I guess the past month or 2 (or 20) have finally really caught up with me. And my coping strategy of quite literally running away from everything - to the tune of around 150km a month is possibly catching up with me too...?

Time to SLOW down a little I think. That's what my body seems to be saying.

Tonight I did 7.5km anyway. But I was walking for at least half of it. Then I 'rested' by sweeping and back-washing the pool, hammering the boy's bed back together with 10cm nails. Making dinner. Getting a gift sorted for a party, and doing some shopping. That counts as slowing down, right? ;)

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

There's is nothing else I'd rather do

Basement Jaxx - Being with you

Being with you is all I need
Being with you is all I need
Bom Bom Ba Ba Bah Dah Ba Dah Being with you Oh Yeah
Dah Being with you Oh Yeah
Cause, There's nothing better or sweeter than the taste of your smile
Being with you is the sweetest thing that I ever knew
Cos being with you there's is nothing else I'd rather do
Just being with you oh yeah
Being with you oh yeah
Take my hand
Being with you

Sunday, 16 August 2009

I feel wanted, I feel desired

in a way I don't think I have ever felt.

I have loved - at times deeply - and I have felt loved to a degree a few times along the way. But no one has ever made me feel wanted, or desired or REALLY loved. Like I am enough.

Depeche Mode - I feel loved

It's the dark night of my soul

And temptations taking hold
But through the pain and the suffering

Through the heartache and trembling

I feel loved

I feel loved

As the darkness closes in

In my head I hear whispering

Questioning and beckoning

But I'm not taken in

I feel loved
I feel loved

From the depths of my emptiness

Comes a feeling of inner bliss

I feel wanted, I feel desired
I can feel my soul on fire

I feel loved
I feel loved

It is hard to contain this feeling. It wells up in me and wants to spill out. It makes me want to touch and feel and frolic and sigh. It makes me think things I shouldn't.

I had a very vivid premonition 3 times this week-end. I am not saying anything about it, but I am recording this here because one day I am going to come back and refer to it.

For now I am not letting fear hold me back.

I feel loved. and. I feel love.

Griffin - finally lost tooth #3!

Finally! Nearly 18 months after losing the bottom 2. Needless to say he was super thrilled.

This one has been a looong time coming. The first 2 teeth came out in March last year.


Friday, 14 August 2009

Quinn School Debate - a decision is made

So you may have followed the ongoing debate/decision around Quinn's schooling....

I met with Quinn's teacher again this morning after getting an email on Tuesday that he had detention (again) that afternoon. **

He has been getting demerits again for: talking in class, not having PE shorts, not having his homework diary at school etc.

He has also been playing up with me a bit again recently.

This is possibly (probably?) related to 'New Guy' and/or my mom dying and everything that's been going on with me, and me being a bit busier and more distracted, and sick too, and focusing less on his homework and having very structured routines etc.

Of course my first thought was to panic and back off from the new relationship and go back to it being just the boys and me, telling myself that I must put them first - always.

But I decided that that is not right or fair to do that again either. I don't think it is realistic for me not to pursue a relationship properly, ever, because it may unsettle the kids (probably temporarily).

Especially considering that they really like him and he seems to like them too. So I have decided to keep trying and to accept that there will be patches and times which are less easy and that we'll need to work through them.

'New guy' has been amazing about this too and very empathetic and understanding. I have felt up to now that unless the boys and I are on our best behaviour and always 'good' we will not be wanted. Because well that's been my experience. No one wants to deal with issues and baggage!

But he has been stepping back and giving me space with Quinn when needed, and even distracting Griffin and playing with him at the park so I could have some one-on-one time with Quinn - something I have realised he hardly gets anymore. He has also not interfered or intervened at all - even when I lose my cool a bit. He's just offered some outsider perspective when we have chatted.

Anyway amazingly he has not been at all scared away by seeing both me and the boys throwing wobblies in the past couple of weeks, and me being sick, and this latest low blood pressure and general lack lustre episode this week... bonus!

Anyway I totally digress and the rest of that is for another post ( ;) )

Anhoo so Quinn's teacher said that she has been over his entire file and her 'professional opinion' is that he really should repeat the grade. Not because he is going to fail, because he won't. Academically he is doing pretty darn well actually. But it's because he needs so much management. I said I agree. Left to his own devices he does nothing, but with one-on-one attention he excels. She reckons this will improve a lot with maturity and if he feels like a leader.

Frankly if he had a stable and supportive functional home life, I think he would be totally fine where he is and could continue, but based on the heaps of shit he has dealt with for the past 18 months (plus) I am actually surprised how well he HAS coped up to now, and I don't think he can keep it up much longer. As the youngest in his grade he is going to always been slightly on the back foot and having to push to keep up, and it's hard on him AND on me. It's got to the point that he can't really focus on sport and we spend so much time trying to comply with his school requirements that it's a full time job.

So I told her let's just do it. I don't want them thinking I am pushing him through school, because that was never my approach.

I already told him it was a possible outcome of today's meeting. He is not thrilled, but he seems quite resigned to the idea. I told him it is not being done to punish him, or because he is not good enough, but to help him. I also told him it means wrt sport he'll now be competing with his peer group and age group and not be either the youngest or away from his friends all the time.

I'll talk to him more in the next week, but for now I think the decision is made, and I must say already the pressure feels a bit less.

One of the things that helped me to decided was that I haven't ever heard anyone say they regret a decision to keep a child (esp a boy) back and that the age gap issue gets worse as puberty approaches, so now is probably a good time to do it.

The teacher also said it would not negatively impact on his academic record, because he is not being failed.

** I sent the teacher a bit of an emotional email on Tuesday saying I felt we were trying our best and it felt like nothing was good enough and a bit of encouragement would be appreciated under the circumstances. She was extremely understanding and quite empathetic when I met with her today and I was touched the compassion she showed and the approach she took. I apologised for being a bit overwhelmed the other day - I honestly thought she was going to be confrontational, but she was nothing but nice about it. Which has also helped me to accept that she really isn't fighting us and she is just trying to focus on what is best.

She even says I must talk to Quinn about who he'd like his teacher to be next year and he can choose. Either her again or one of the other 3 Grade 4 teachers.

I think you should know

Coldplay - Green Eyes

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes
Yeah the spotlight shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Green eyes
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

Friday, 7 August 2009

Are you loveable?

"If you want to be loved, be lovable." ~ Ovid

Thursday, 6 August 2009

And then you call me and it's not so bad

Dido - Thank You

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Monday, 3 August 2009

Thanks for your patience

"Head Over Feet" - Alanis Morissette

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault