Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Saturday, 27 February 2010

Fit as assessed

Yesterday was my bi-annual Fitness assessment.

The push-up and sit-up components of the test have been removed, because apparently too many people were being injured. Ok, then! Dissappointing because I was expecting to do quite well this time.

He said, for my age and gender, over all my fitness is in the 'excellent' category. And I have just banked about 15 000 vitality points, plus about 10 000 from my health screening yesterday. :)

My measurements were as follows (last year's results in brackets):
Weight: 55kgs (57.5kgs)
Height: 166cm
BMI: 19.7 (21)
Waist Circumference: 67cm (70cm)
Body Fat percentage: 23.5% (21.1% - ??so I lost a bunch of weight but have more fat? ... nice.)
BP Systolic: 110 (110)
BP Diastolic: 70 (60)

My Maximum Functional Capacity - Done as a (25cm) step test with 4x 2-minute stepping intervals with increasing tempo, and 1-minute rest breaks between them:

Max Functional Capacity: 56.8 - excellent (quite a bit higher than the 46.1 last time)
Max HR (bpm) - 132 (was 130 last time)
Avg HR (bpm) - 110 (was 89 last time)
Duration (min) - 12
I must admit I find this rather confussing. I appear to be LESS fit than last year but my overall result is better...?

Straight Leg Raise (deg) - 130 degrees - excellent
Sit-and-reach stretch (touch toes) (cm) - 59cm - excellent

I need to up my cardio work outs a bit and get my heart rate down a bit again. Hills and trail running required, but other wise I am doing pretty ok I think.

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Ask a silly question..

Last night we went to the community chest carnival, Quinn was all hyper and bouncy when he came back from the rides.

 Me: "Quinn what are you on? Did you just drink a Tequila on the way back here or something?"
Him: "No, I smoked crack."

Ok then!

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

It's true

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you. ~ William Arthur Ward

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

“A heart needs only its own voice to do what is right.”

"A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble." ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

And so when after telling him for the final time on the weekend that it is over and that I am not prepared to be treated like and old familiar jersey anymore. A jersey which he can wear when he pleases, and then toss behind the chair if visitors arrive, or when he wants to wear something more styling when he is out. I started getting my strength back. Feeling free and unrestrained by his tethers. Allowed to do and say what I want again...

Yet he still called me 4 or 5 times throughout the day. This I accepted and spoke to him in a friendly yet detached manner. Calm and unfazed by it.

But when I dashed out for a quick run in the evening only to return and find him IN MY HOUSE, with my CHILDREN. The compromise, charity, generosity and continual acceptance of everything wrt him suddenly stopped-dead. I was not amused. Worse, I was angry. Livid actually. What a damned cheek!

I am sad to let go of this relationship which I had really really thought was special. I have felt all the emotions and phases of loss. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Despair, but now finally I have a level of Acceptance.

I no longer cling to hope that it will change, and that one day I will be enough for him, and make him happy to the point where he doesn't chase and see multiple women at the same time. I am no longer prepared to take what I can get. I have realised that he is no longer enough, or good enough, for me.

It is funny how when your emotional rose-tinted spectacles are off you can see things more clearly, and see that someone you thought was perfect is really not all that after all.

I looked at him last night and felt no positive emotion at all, just disdain and contempt. This is how I knew I was doing the right thing.

“A heart needs only its own voice to do what is right.”
~ Vanna Bonta

And so, I sent him off with his tail between his legs. Sure, now he thinks I am mean, possibly unkind. But it has got to the point that I simply have to stop caring about him and what he thinks and feels.

It feels liberating. I didn't realise how trapped he was making me feel.

I intend not to compromise my integrity again. I have learned a lot through this.

Living with integrity means:
  • Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
  • Asking for what you want and need from others.
  • Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
  • Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
  • Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.
~ Barbara De Angelis

Monday, 22 February 2010

If it is not fun, you're not doing it right.

I have been doing some deep thinking, and have finally realised some truths and made some decisions, and I am returning to my authentic self unapologetically and unashamedly. I have been settling, accepting the unacceptable, and allowing myself to be controlled by something which was simply not working for me... no more. I have now officially decided to put myself first. I will not disrespect myself by allowing myself to be treated as less than valuable.

I think people see me as an old jersey. Warm, cosy, comfortable, familiar and so nice to wear... but when they go out they want to wear something else, so the old jersey is flung in the corner and forgotten... until next time they are cold and in need of comfort and the the reliable old trust jersey is lying there where they left it waiting to be worn again.

Well this old jersey got frayed and dirty from lying there being walked on. Now I am no longer so warm, cosy or trusty anymore.

Had you bothered to really look closely you might have noticed that I was actually a cashmere jersey, and if you looked after me well I would have kept you warm and cosy forever...

Anyway so moving swiftly on from that metaphor. I am back as me, by me, for me. Take it or leave it. Seriously.

And as the authentic me, I had a pretty awesome week-end.

The school camp-out on Friday was great - once we got the tent up. I usually don't have any trouble getting a tent set up, but this one was trying very hard to be a kite or parachute thanks to some pretty strong and persistent winds. This was funny at first but the novelty soon wore off. Thankfully after I enlisted some Grade 1s to stand on strategic spots we got it sorted and the real fun could begin.

One of the Grade 4's told me I was 'pretty cool' after I climbed out of the tree and demanded a turn on the J-board. Hehehe. We played soccer after that.
Saturday was insanely hot in Cape Town. Over 36 degrees at least. So the day was spent in the pool until we decided to head for the beach - along with the whole of Cape Town. I was fantastic though and we all had an amazing swim in the sea and ice-creams from Sinnful - decadent but deliciously impossible to resist.

Sunday was the kids adventure race in Grabouw. We drove out bright and early. It was a bit windy and misty, but that was great after Saturday's heat. While the boys did their race I took a little run around the farm. Only about 4km, but it was on a really beautiful little trail through a forest. Moments like that feel perfect to me. I love them.

After the race ended and most participants had left, we relaxed, picnicked, played and chatted for ages and then trekked home tired and very muddy and dirty.

"Take time every day to do something silly." - Philips Walker 

I even got a foot rub out of the boys this evening. *bliss* (I took them to Thailand in 2008 and they learned the art of a good foot rub there. Best investment ever! ;) )

So yeah, it was a good and nicely relaxing week-end. I feel totally destressed now.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Attitude affects altitude.

“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” ~ Lou Holtz

We keep running faster now

Running Faster - Zebra & Giraffe

We keep running faster now
But it's our souls that lie
A hundred miles
Behind the rush of time
Lies a wounded smile
But we won't notice why?

On your own again?
On your own again?

And time
Will pass me by as I
Relive each moment
Why can't I forget the wrong?
And do right

I keep telling myself how
How it's the other fault
They caused me to try
Being someone else
But it's not them it's me
Pretending I'm not free

On your own again?
On your own again?

And time
Will pass me by as I
Relive each moment
Why can't I forget the wrong?
And do right

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Reading Breakthrough finally!

Griffin, unlike Quinn, has had no urgency or interest in learning how to read up till now, thinking he couldn't read, even when he was clearly sounding out words and getting them right... He decided that wasn't reading and that reading was not nice or fun... we'd argue about him doing homework reading because he'd insist he'd read the reader at aftercare and couldn't possibly read it AGAIN for my benefit! When I suggested he chose something else he'd refuse... because you know, he couldn't read.

I got him to read a few pages of 2 books early this week and noticed he'd read words like 'spectacular' and 'asteroid' fluently , but would then struggle on easy 3 and 4 letter words...!??? Very odd.

Then on Wednesday he picked up the 10 stores in 1 Horrid Henry book and told me he'd 'read 1 page'. After 4 pages he was still reading... he read 9 pages that evening. On Thursday he took the book to school, and read in the car on the way to and from school, and apparently also read all through aftercare as well. Then today when we got to the beach he lay on his towel opened his bag and pulled out the BOOK.

It is hard to believe it is the same child! 


Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Same Same

968 posts and 2335 comments imported from "janewsblog" to "janefraser".

So here we are again. Same Same - only different.

Welcome :)

My fund-raising entrepreneurs

It has just been the boys' annual school Big Swim, where they have to get sponsorship and then swim a number of lengths to raise money for the various charities and causes the school supports. I loathe knocking on doors, or begging friends and colleagues for donations and sponsorships, so I told the boys I'd give them R50 each and be done with it.

Instead they asked me if they could try to raise MORE. So they decided to use my R100 as seed money to be entrepreneurial and to try to increase their funds (there is a competition for the boys who raise the most money in each class). So we discussed it and came up with a plan. We bought a heap of marshmallow Easter eggs with the money, which they sold at school (we cleared the idea with the respective teachers first who were very impressed and readily agreed) and I also helped them by setting up shop at work.

So instead of asking people to 'donate' money, we sold easter eggs at a profit, R3 each or R5 for 2.

Everyone craves something sweet in the afternoons and most people have a few rand on hand. So these were right there at the kitchen and whenever someone went to make coffee they'd end up buying a few...

The boys sold their eggs over 2 days, they made their own posters and set up next to the tuck-shop to peddle their Easter eggs at school on Friday and Monday and managed to bring in R60 that way. Not nearly as much as I raised at work where I was selling them for 4 days, but at least they tried and learned a lot along the way. They dutifully brought their left overs home at the end of each day– eating only the ONE each I told them they could have.

The eggs cost R1.15 each. I think we ended up buying about 180 in the end, using the profits made in the beginning to buy more as we went along...

Griffin took R120 to school on the day of his Big Swim – Friday.

Quinn went in with R173 today.

So they managed to turn R100 into R293, which is pretty good going and they are thrilled. Their teachers were impressed both with their entrepreneurial flair and for getting their money handed in so promptly and they have been given several merits in reward.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

My eyes leaked a lot today...

I have been trying to understand why and I think I have worked it out.

You see at my core I am a very emotional, romantic and idealistic person. I believe in love, adoration, expression of desire, affection and happily ever after. However, life has taught me not to expect it.

So I am now a cynical romantic. I believe in true love, but I don't expect to ever find it for myself. Most of the time I seem fine about this. I can get by without it. But then I'll watch a movie, listen to a song, or even worse witness my friends, family and peers going through it (this is worse because it is real and not just 'in the movies') and although I am so very, genuinely, happy for them, my heart breaks a little more each time I witness it.

Knowing a little more that it is not something I have, have ever had, or will probably ever have.

I stumbled upon the most amazingly romantic and fun couple's blog and wedding photos today. I was totally in awe of their awe inspiringly special, unique and fun wedding and all that went along with it. They are a truly beautiful couple and I wish them the greatest happiness together ever. But after reading their story and seeing their photos I literally sat in the toilets at work and cried silent tears for about 15 minutes.

I can't even pretend to rationalise this away, or be embarrassed about it. My heart is full of love and emotion and I feel like it is wasting away and wilting from either having to hide my feelings and/or not having them returned when I do express them. It hurts a lot.

I know all the platitudes, and I am quite content with myself. It's not that. I just feel like I get taken for granted, and strung along. It would be nice to feel like someone REALLY cares about me, for me, as I am, all the time. The way my heart believes it is meant to be.

Like a fairytale.

Monday, 15 February 2010

You have GOT to be shitting me!

With my recent name change, I have been contacting all and sundry to update my name on their records. Bank cards, accounts, subscriptions etc etc. So last week I sent the City of Cape Town my standard letter explaining the whole thing and requesting that they change the billing name for my water, rates & electricity accounts on my home and rental house.

Their response:
"Dear Jane Fraser

I refer to your e-mail dated 09 February 2010.

Unfortunately we are unable to do a surname change upon your written request. The properties must first be reregistered at the Deeds Office through transferring attorneys."
My response: "You have GOT to be shitting me!"

Seriously, SERIOUSLY!?

Sunday, 14 February 2010


Since we are all scattered far and wide it is pretty seldom that our family all gets together. We were together briefly for my step-sister's wedding in December, but were not really all together at any one time (apart from at the wedding itself) and also not in a setting where we had any family time together, since there was so much planning and co-ordination going on.

If fact the last time we all got together as a family to spend time together was when we arranged a long week-end on a guest farm in June 2004. This was back when 3 of the grandchildren weren't even born yet, one daughter was not yet married, and 2 of us were married to husbands who are no longer in the picture. So this trip to the Berg for my dad's 70th was a momentous occasion. I had suggested a year or so ago that we do it now, rather than wait for him to get too old to be able to have fun and enjoy it with us. I think that was a great idea. :)

The boys and I flew up to spend the night with my dad last week Wednesday and then drove down to the Berg with them on the Thursday. We stayed at The Cavern - near Bergville. It is a simply beautiful setting.

It was a wonderful fun trip and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my family. We really don't get enough time together at all.

The 4 nights we spent together there can be summed up as: EAT, PLAY, LOVE. There was a lot of all 3 happening. All 3 delicious, fun and heart warming. :)

My sister Catherine and I can chat away for hours. Her son Thomas and I really spent time bonding by kicking and throwing a ball around and climbing jungle gyms etc . Something he tells me his mom would never do!

My other sister Bee and her hubby Enrico are always up for a bit of fun and they took us to the Adventure Centre down the road for a morning of fun and adrenaline-pumping activities in the tree-tops.

Kristy my step sister has 3 children who I hardly knew. Her oldest son Caleb is such a cutie pie and I really enjoyed getting to know him. Her youngest 'baby David' was a real hit with my boys who just adored his chubby cheeks.

Youngest of the 5 girls Brindy - the newly wed- is as gentle and lovely as ever and is always sweet and kind and ready to dispense advice (she is a dietician).

My dad has secured his position as head of the Clan and does a fine job of looking after his brood of women - each of which is a fully qualified handful in her own right, so - this is no mean feat!

Dad received some wonderful and thoughtful gifts including a few bottles of excellent whiskey. We managed to track down a beautiful pair of Fraser cuff-links, with the Clan Motto on them, and he seemed really chuffed with them, and wore them with his Fraser tie for the Saturday night dinner.
Here are some photos of the trip:

All of us (except Quinn & Thomas) before dad's birthday dinner on the Saturday night:

It was almost impossible to get a proper group photo in every single one half the people are either missing or not looking at the camera. Here we have 4 of 5 daughters with 3 of the 8 grandchildren and 5 are looking away. ;)


Snaps of the trip:
Because of all the eating - each meal was a 5-course eat as much as you like affair, I ran every morning, about 8-10kms a day. It was the best time at 7am on my own on the quiet undulating mountain road. The rest of the time was spent swimming, rolling around on the grass, kicking balls, playing bowls, tennis and trampolining, on mountain walks etc. A bit of reading happened too. In the evenings we played 30-Seconds (I was on the winning team each time. YES!), and on the Saturday night I let Quinn have half an Amarula with loads of Ice. Boy was he stoked.

More snaps from the trip:

Our visit to an Adventure Centre:
I did 2x 60km/h zip-lines, Quinn & Tom did the King Swing, which is a kind of seated bungee jump swing thing, and Griffin did the Bungee Bounce, which is a trampoline with elastics attached so you can do gymnastics on the thing. FUN!

Why the discomforts of pregnancy are worth it..

According to Quinn.

Quinn: "When we were in your tummy, did it annoy you when you were trying to sleep and we would kick you and keep you awake and stuff?"
Me: "No not really, I didn't mind"
Quinn: "Yeah I guess it was worth it... to get mini slaves to do stuff for you."


Friday, 12 February 2010

Still Vital

I had for my Vitality Health Assessment again today. The last was in Feb 2009.

I do these firstly to earn the Vitality points, so I can stay on gold status and benefit from 30% off Kulula flights etc. SCORE! But I also do it because I don't go to the doctor... as in EVER. I just don't. I never get sick enough to warrant it as far as I am concerned, and if I do get sick it is a cold or migraine and in a day or 3 I get better again, no doctor or prescription necessary... But that said I am not negligent and although I tend to be and feel pretty fit and healthy I think regular screenings of the basics is a good idea as this is a good early warning system for any other issues which may be brewing or lurking in the wings. So this is my annual screening to see if I am likely to survive another year health-wise.

As luck would have it I had the same nurse as last year and she remembered me, I told her I was STILL not bothered by needles or drawing of blood so to go ahead.
This year's results:
- Glucose levels 4.9 (4.4 last year) - I think the late night chocolate snacking last night added to the reading this morning. ;)
- Cholesterol 3.8 (4.99 last year)
- Blood pressure 115/75 (125/75 last year)
- My weight 55kgs (57kgs last year) YAY!
- My height is still the same 1.66m
- Waist circumference 68cm (71cm last year) Woohoo!
- My HIV status still negative. Whew!

She agreed that it was safe to assume I would live for another year - yippee! ;)

I do my fitness assessment in a week or so. I suspect I am a bit less fit than last time though. Oh well.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

I'd like to make myself believe

I am loving this song at the moment!

Fireflies - Owl City

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems
When I fall asleep

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

I'm off to the Berg for my dad's 70th. Back Tuesday. bye!

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Quinn strikes again!

Last night while Quinn was getting his homework out. I asked him if he had any tests for me to sign. He said he had a spelling test. He then asked me earnestly. 'Is 8 out of 20 good..?' I slightly irritatedly said, 'Actually no Quinn, it is not!' I was a bit annoyed but decided to let it go. I mean he is redoing a grade he already did well in, he said the words were easy when I asked him if he was ready for the test, this stuff really should not be hard!

I got busy with changing out of my work clothes and he carried on with his homework and the moment blew over.

20 minutes later I went over to the open book to sign it and was almost blinded by a BIG gold star shining on the page under a 20/20.

He looked at me wryly and said, 'I can't believe you still fall for that.'

Monday, 1 February 2010


Gah! I typed up a whole blog post, about emotions, attitude and 'The Secret' etc and then deleted it by mistake... maybe I'll try it again sometime, or maybe what I was saying didn't need to be shared... who knows. We'll see. For now I am moving on...

Yesterday I took the boys to the cricket club for a bit of Cricket net practice for Quinn. He was keen to try out his newly purchased cricket gear which he paid 50% himself from his savings. It's a helmet, pads, gloves, bag and Kookaburra bat signed by none other than Jacques Kallis. After that Griffin and I played some French Cricket while Quinn 'rested'. Quinn took out the camera and started taking photos and as a result our antics were quite well documented...

Without further ado...