Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Friday, 30 September 2011

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

I did it...

So I don't know if this was a good or bad decision yet. Or whether it is going to reduce or increase my stress levels... but I HAVE RESIGNED!

Yes, I quit. Just like that. I was trying very hard to be all Zen and stay calm and not let this job affect me physically any more... Cardiologists orders and all...

BUT then while in yet another early-morning ambush meeting, where I was being grilled and then not only myself but also my entire team and project got attacked repeatedly, I could feel my heart start palpitating and I just thought 'SCREW IT!'. Enough was enough. So I stood up and walked out saying I was no longer prepared to accept or deal with it. I handed in my letter of resignation immediately.

Capricious move indeed! Bold? Yes. Impulsive? For sure. Stupid? I sincerely hope not...

Frankly I feel relieved more than anything else. I feel kinda good about it. I think I KNEW it had to happen. So it feels right*... I feel so much better and lighter and calmer already. That project was sucking the life out of me.

For now I hope and trust that it was the right move and that things will fall into place as they must and need to. Wish me luck! Please...

(*Although I may feel differently in 3 weeks time! But most of my team are actively job searching too and there have been a few other resignations this month. People are not happy here right now. Also both PMs on the client side have expressed shock and have asked if I want them to intervene and let me management know they are crazy. This makes me feel a lot better and like less of a failure. But I no longer want to stay, so go I must...)

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Cardio Update

Update on my medical stuff.

I saw the cardiologist for a Cardiac-Ultrasound and Stress-ECG etc today. The dude made me run quite fast and at quite a steep incline. And he said he had no sympathy because I am fit and can do it. Gee thanks! All the while I was virtually topless and jiggling away... hrm. Anyway, essentially I am fairly fit and healthy, which is great news and he says my heart is actually pretty strong. My pulse and blood pressure ARE very low, but are also nicely reactive. So when I stand up my blood pressure increases rather than decreases, and my heart rate accelerates accordingly when cardiovascular load is applied. So the specialist was not too concerned about any of that. Whew.

However, as suspected my main issue is the current very elevated stress levels. Although I am used to coping with chronic stress and had functional ways of dealing with it well (running, yoga etc), the additional stress due to my new job, which leaves me barely no time or energy or motivation to run or do the fun stuff I used to, has kicked me into an acute stress cycle which is not healthy, and is something I have to change. He said if my heart rate goes down any further I'd need a pace-maker to get it functioning back up at normal levels (!!) YIKES.

So it is looking like this job has got to go. Since despite continued best efforts, it's just not getting any better. I eventually contacted the other project manager who left recently after working there for years to find out why she left, and it's pretty much for the exact reasons which I am struggling with right now. In some weird way that helps a lot, and I feel less alone and like a failure, knowing it's a general problem in the company and not just me who can't cut it there! Her experience pretty much exactly mirrors what I am experiencing - and I really admired her professionally.

So between being a stress bucket, my heart possibly needing a pace maker if I don't manage the stress better and the low Oestrogen which could indicate early onset menopause.... I may be turning into a decrepit grumpy old witch after-all. HAHAHA.

So all things considered my outlook is not dire but I am going to have to get myself out of this awful job situation, which has become so stressful I'd honestly rather be sick than go there each day... *deep breath*

Full of Awesome

This was sent to me by a friend....

Waking Up Full of Awesome

There was a time when you were five years old,
and you woke up full of awesome.
You knew you were awesome.
You loved yourself.
You thought you were beautiful,
even with missing teeth and messy hair and mismatched socks inside your grubby sneakers.
You loved your body, and the things it could do.
You thought you were strong.
You knew you were smart.
Do you still have it?
The awesome.
Did someone take it from you?

Did you hand it over, because someone told you weren’t beautiful enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough?
Why the hell would you listen to them?
Did you consider they might be full of shit?
Wouldn’t that be nuts, to tell my little girl / boy that in another five or ten years she might hate herself because she doesn't have her awesome ? !
Are you freaking kidding me?
Look at her. She is full of awesome.
You were, once. Maybe you still are. Maybe you are in the process of getting it back.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Blood Test Results

So my blood test results came back today. The Doc called me to tell me the news, she rattled everything off pretty fast.. but this is what I managed to catch:
- Full blood count - Normal - she didn't mention numbers.
- ESR (Erythrocyt Sedimentation Rate - inflammation marker used to check for infections & some cancers & autoimmune diseases as far as I know?) - Normal
- Ferritin - 53 Good
- Haemoglobin 14.1 - Good
- Thyroid (TSH) - Normal
- Progesterone - 1.4 Normal
- Oestrogen - 49 Low

So she is asking for an additional hormone test for FSH - to see if I am ovulating at all because that will show whether the low oestrogen is linked to ovulation (I have a Mirena IUD so actually have no idea any more) or if I am possibly pre-menopausal. I did not see that one coming! :lol: :roll:

And you now all officially know TMI about me!

Oh and I have 2x interviews this week to try to get out of the mad-house I am in which is causing all my stress...

I have to go for the stress ECG tomorrow morning to see how my heart handles cardio-stress. Should be fun.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Heart Broken...? Hope not!

I am just back from my doctor's appointment, after deciding I really did need to see one, after monitoring my BP and pulse rate for a while now....

I was also starting to suspect I may have an issue with Hypothyroidism (i.e. under active thyroid) because I seem to have about 90+% of the symptoms...

Symptoms of Hypothyroidism:
* Fatigue - check
* Weakness - check
* Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight - check
* Coarse, dry hair - check
* Dry, rough pale skin - check
* Hair loss - check
* Cold intolerance (you can't tolerate cold temperatures like those around you) - check
* Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches - sometimes
* Constipation - occasionally
* Depression - check
* Irritability -check
* Memory loss - can't remember
* Abnormal menstrual cycles - dunno have a Mirena
* Decreased libido - check

Then a friend loaned me his Heart Rate monitor so I have been wearing it for the past few days... I saw that my heart rate goes all the way down to 40bpm quite often, and was even dipping as low as 35BPM at times!!!

While I was cycling up a tough hill on the week-end the highest it went was 155, and Sunday while running it went up to 165. But otherwise it's right down, and even those high numbers are relatively low. I should be able to get it up to 180-190...

So even though apart from my broken ankle (when I waited a full 6 days before I even went in) and the general insurance blood screenings every 3 years this is my FIRST GP visit since um... I had flu when I was just pregnant with Quinn and my manager said he'd only sign off my time-sheet if I went to the doctor. Before that I was 15. I decided this was significant enough to do something about it. I have just had a niggly feeling that all is not right and I needed to be checked out. So today I went off to the doctor.

The Doc thinks I was right to be concerned and has sent blood off for:
- Full blood count work up
- Ferrous levels
- Thyroid (TSH)
- Progesterone
- Oestrogen

I was also sent for an ECG, after I showed her the HR monitor which is showing an average pulse rate of 45BPM over past 12 hours - That is VERY low.

I have been referred to a cardiologist specialist because she wants me to go for a stress test ECG and other tests to check whether this is normal for me, or if there is something more serious wrong. Apparently the Reynaud's combined with Bradicardia can be things like Schleroderma and Lupis etc...

At least I now know why I am so tired and drained and un-energetic all the time these days. She wants me to back off on cardio activities for now, until we know more (BUMMER because although I am too 'tired' to do much of them a lot of the time now it's the only time I do feel more or less normal these days). She also agrees with me that it sounds like my (SUCKASS CRAP) job is contributing to this a lot and agrees I should be looking to make a change there since it is clearly affecting my health directly and rather dramatically. ALL my symptoms and issue lead right back to when I started this job... too much so to be a coincidence.

So there you have it. The cardiologists charge around R2200 CASH per appointment! When I was told this I told them my pulse and BP were suddenly up thanks, so no need for the appointment any more... Holy Crap. :shock: :shock:
Also 5 out of 6 cardio's earliest appointment is END of October. Nice. So your heart is at risk but you must wait 6 week before they'll see you...?! Thank-fully I finally found a cheaper, closer guy who can see me on Tues. Yay. So I'll find out more then.

Right now I really want to go for a cycle... but I'm too tired (to even sit up straight, I am slouched/half lying on my desk)!

Monday, 12 September 2011

Smart-Ass Quick-Thinking Quinn

We were at friends for the rugby yesterday and Quinn did something idiotic, so I yelled out to him and asked why he did it, so he says, "Because C did it".

So C's dad says "So if your mom jumped into a fire would you jump in too?!?"

To which my smart-ass son replies, "Yes... to save her."

:roll: :oops: :twisted: :lol:

Inadvertent Funny

I wanted Griffin to fetch something from my bedside table, but not MY one, the other one on the other side of the bed which I use for batteries and chargers (NO not THAT kind! :P). Anyway so I was telling him where to get it and didn't want him digging around and making a mess on my side, and the other side is no longer called 'daddy's side of the bed', so I said..

'It's in the drawer on the .... passenger side of my bed'.

LMAO, the more I think about it the funnier I find it, but it was completely unintentional and just came out as I was thinking along the lines of the other side of the car etc.

That's my semi-funny for the day.


Thursday, 8 September 2011

Pulse Rate & Blood Pressure

What sort of pulse rate and BP do you have?
My pulse has become crazy low - I think.

Today at 3pm my resting (middle of a boring meeting) pulse was 40bpm! :shock:
Last night at the gym after a 13km run and some sit-ups and stretching it was 55bpm.
Now after dinner it is 46bpm.

My blood pressure last night was 100/58, a few weeks ago it was 90/58.

I know lower is better than high, on both counts, but I am thinking this is fairly excessively low - even for me - and could be a big part of why I am:
- Suffering from Reynaud's Syndrome a lot this winter
- Have been cold all the time and have been
- Putting on weight

Does it sound like a need a check-up?
Noting that I had a life insurance basic health screening with a nurse recently - weight/height/ cholesterol/BP etc. and she remarked on how low my BP was but didn't seem concerned about it...

Saturday, 3 September 2011

I am doing the Argus!

So I have enetered the Argus Cycle Tour 2012. Eeeep! I'm so excited! And scared. I never imagined I'd ever feel like it was somethign I could actually consider doing. It's always seemed so out of reach and out of my league...

But I think it's one of those things you have to do at least once if you live in Cape Town. So next year it is. I am loving riding my bike. It's an awesome feeling being out there and hearing the wind whistling as you zoom along our gorgeous cities roads and mountains.

Anyone keen to join in? I am making it a beer challenge (loser buys the beers) ;)

I just went for a cycle with my friend Mat today and I did a total of 72.5kms!

From Rondebosch to Tokai. Then up Ou Kaapse Weg - yes it was a little tough! Then on to Sun Valley, up over Black Hill and down into to Glencairn. Then through to Kalk Bay, where we had a stop for a coffee at Olympia Deli. Then back over Boyes Drive to Tokai where I had tea and toast with Mat before the final stretch back to Rondebosch again via Constantia & Wynberg.

Mat is fitter, stronger and a LOT taller than me. He also has a better lighter bike with better gearing and has cleats but I managed to stay more or less with him for most of the time. :) It was awesome.

I am TIRED now though! Whew!