Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Monday, 16 January 2017

So what actually happened? Or how the best day turned into the worst fucking day of my life

Well, it's a long story. The big boys were away at Camp Hermanus where we'd dropped them just after Christmas for their 2 weeks of good old 'boys will be boys' fun and adventure. It's always the much anticipated highlight of their year.

I have blogged about it before...here.

So we left them there after taking them out to Hermanus and spending some time out there too. We came back to Cape Town on the evening of December 27th. Andrew had opted to work that week between Christmas and New Year. Just 3 work days. Xolisa (Andrew's long standing house helper and also Natey's nanny when he was younger - his beloved 'Kia) had just resigned. Olivia our cleaner was off for 3 weeks. Natey's wonderful au pair Melinda (Minda) was on leave just for that week, and so was I. Andrew had asked if I wanted any help in those 3 days that he'd be working while I was home with Nate. I said no, I was actually eagerly anticipating having my munchkin to myself and getting to do all the cool and fun things I couldn't do while working, and which him and Minda got to do (while I enviously got photos on whatsapp). I had no sense of it being a burden, or being stuck with him at all.

On the Wednesday we went for an epic walk to the gym - which is actually just 5kms away - with Natey's pram, taking a super scenic route via Camps Bay, Bantry Bay and Greenpoint and eventually arriving there after a 15km walk. We got snacks on the way, chatted up a storm and Natey had a good nap too. At the gym we swam and played and then walked home. At home we played, swam, and played some more. It was a great day. When Daddy came home we went out for sushi down the street.

On the Thursday we did more playing, swimming, exploring the neighbourhood, chilling and reading. It was Minda's birthday that day and when I told Natey, he immediately said 'Birthday, cake!'. So although she was on leave we still wanted to celebrate it. Natey and I went down to the park to play and then we went out and ordered a nice big piece of carrot cake for her. Which we then ate for her. It was so big we had enough to take home to share with daddy after dinner. We made some videos of Natey wishing her for her birthday too.

While sitting at the table after dinner I got a whatsapp from Quinn - it was rare to hear from the boys while at camp, they are usually just having far too much fun to waste time on their phones. The whatsapp said "Mom". I responded brightly; "Hi! How's it going? Are you having fun?"

There was silence for a while... I know the signal is really bad at camp. Natey, Andrew and I kept chatting around the table. Then 3 more words came through: "Doc Ollie's dead" My blood ran cold.

I sent a flurry of messages asking what he was taking about. Was he kidding? What was going on?? They didn't go through though and I got nothing further. I tried calling but couldn't get through at all. I tired calling the camp leaders and couldn't get through to them either. Eventually I got hold of someone, but the line was so bad I had to ask him to repeat what he'd said 3 times and even then I had no idea what he'd said. I just heard "Sailing... mast... back". I thought they'd been sailing, and the mast had hurt Ollie's back. It sounded bad, but I didn't think it was THAT BAD. I was so worried though.

I didn't sleep that night, constantly worrying about Ollie, my boys, and wondering what was going on. I woke at dawn on Friday and immediately tried to contact Quinn. I got hold of him. He told me what had happened. I was horrified. It's a long story - which I won't go into detail on here or now. But it was true Doc Ollie had died in a tragic accident sailing on camp. There's a news reference here. and here.

Doc Ollie was one of our favourite people in the world. He'd literally saved Quinn's life by fixing his advanced and aggressive cholesteatomas. He'd restored Quinn's hearing. He'd shown us kindness and care beyond measure while I was a newly single mom with no support dealing with a child with this scary and serious condition. He'd fixed my boy with his skill and expertise. Protected us from debilitating medical debt. He'd taken us under his wing, made us feel special and loved. And made us close friends. He introduced us to camp Hermanus and he secured his place as my boys' mentor, role model and friend. He was so happy for me when he found out about Natey's pregnancy and birth.

I asked the boys if they wanted to come home, and they said no. They had all discussed it and the consensus was that camp was Doc's happy place too, and so camp would go on in his honour and they wanted to stay.

I was gutted but decided the best way to honour such a great man, was to try to be more like him. And so I decided consciously to be PRESENT in my day and to focus on priorities. Natey woke up. I had booked a spinning class at the gym. I decided I'd  skip it if he didn't want to go. But when I asked him if he wanted to go to the gym he said "YES!". He cheerfully cooperated and helped me to get him dressed and ready and we set off down to the gym, while Andrew was still sleeping.

Natey happily went into the Junior Care at gym, and when I asked if he was going to stay to play he again said yes. I said "Bye, see you later" and he cheerfully waved me away. An hour later, sweaty and glowing from a good work-out I collected him, still happily playing and having a great time.

On the way home I decided to stop for coffee. So we went to Strolla. He sat on the chair next to me while I enjoyed my coffee. Sipping his juice and proclaiming proudly "I'm eating my snack!". I even took a photo to send to Daddy, so he could see how fun and chilled our day was going.

Afterwards, I decided it was close enough to nap time so rather than go straight home, where he may have ended up getting over tired and not going to sleep, I took a meandering drive home. He noticed what I was doing and after exclaiming "My school", as he did, at least 2 or 3 times as we passed it, repeatedly. He became suspicious and said "Mommy, where you going?". I told him we were going home. I tried putting the classic station on, reckoning that would be a sure way to lull him to sleep. A lovely guitar concerto was playing. He listened to a few bars, sat up, and demanded "Turn that off. I don't like that noise!" I had a good chuckle, thinking classical music loving Grandpa Fraser would be horrified. I even posted about it on Facebook. Still, after turning it off, soon enough he drifted to sleep, and I drove on home.

While he napped I had plenty of time to shower, pack bags and get ready for the rest of the day. We were going to be heading to The World of Birds to see my sister and her children. Once Natey woke up I asked him if he wanted to go to World of Birds and he readily agreed. It was one of his favourite outings. So off we went.

We had a lovely time exploring the World of Birds and especially enjoying Natey's favourite part - playing in the sand pit with all the trucks! At one point as we walked through one of the bottom cages (the herons I think?), there was a bushy fence to our right, the top of it had some open space. A large crow suddenly cawed loudly and pecked at the fence in our direction. We squealed and got a fright. My sister said "That's a bad omen" and then had to explain what that meant to her son... Afterwards she said "I don't know why I said that..?". We didn't think much of it though and just continued our visit.

We eventually left and said our goodbyes well after the official closing time, as the last of the staff were leaving. Then Natey and I wound our way back from Houtbay to the Seapoint-side. Unperturbed by the holiday maker's traffic, and simply happy to enjoy each other's company as the day wound down. While we cruised through Camps Bay Natey said, "Mommy is not angry. Mommy is not sad. Mommy is happy."
I said, "Yes, I am very happy. Is Natey happy too?"
He said, "Natey also happy"
We drove on in amicable silence. He then said, "Mommy is beautiful"
I was amazed. I'd only heard him say the word 'beautiful' once before (in Rome - more about that in another post). I wondered who had taught him the word. I decided it was Minda, who must have coached him. Still I was positively glowing with love and happiness. Could the day have been any more perfect!?

As we got towards Seapoint I said, "Hey Natey do you want to go to the beach?". He of course said yes. So I turned off at the first opportunity in Bantry Bay and went to a beach I'd never been to before. Natey walked down the stairs and onto the beach himself. We sat on a rock and hugged. I took his last 3 beautiful photos and posted all 3 on Facebook right there. We chatted, he played with stones and shells, and we just soaked up the calm golden warmth of the evening.



After a while we went home. I got us out the car and unpacked and then suggested we swim. He was keen. So we went out on the deck and stripped off. Me to my underwear and him naked. We had a glorious relaxed and cuddly swim. I wanted to climb out. He said "Swim more mommy". I told him I was cold, so wanted to get out, but that he could swim some more if he wanted to and I'd watch him. He said no and decided to get out. We cuddled in the big towel in the last evening sunshine. Then we went inside. (Where I am sure I closed the baby gate leading to the deck. Surely I must have? I always did. I always nagged other people about it!)

Then I started making dinner. Put on a load of laundry. Washed dishes. Copied a movie onto our hard drive to watch later. Made us each tea. Fed the dog and cat... And I actually think I stopped to marvel at how amazing this day was and how everything was just easy and RIGHT. I think I even smugly thought, "I am winning at life today!". Stupid fucking fool!!

Natey was wandering around with me as I went about things, commenting, chatting, helping, asking what I was doing, as he would, "What you doing?", "Why you do that?" And then he appeared with a handful of dog food. I said "Natey. What you doing?"
To which he cheekily replied, "I messing the dog food"
Me: "Why did you do that?"
Him: "Why you do that?" (He never ever did answer that question with anything other than repeating "Why you do that?")

Honestly, I was not bothered. I even thought, "Ag whatever, the dog can eat off the ground..." But I halfheartedly asked him to go clean it up. He disappeared out the back door, down to the dog bowl and came back a short while later. I asked if he'd cleaned up and he gave me one of those head cocked to the side looks as if to say "Lady, do you really want me to answer you?" I think I tickled him and said "You're so naughty!" and just left it at that.

I was still making dinner and pottering about, and then saw I'd missed a bunch of Whatsapp messages from Andrew during the day. Feeling a bit bad that I had hardly communicated with him all day, or much the day before, and being conscious about wanting to connect properly with the important people in my life, I wanted to respond. Natey was asking for Play-dough. I got it out, opened it up and put it on his table. I squashed it down and put a shape in it to show him what to do. I told him I was just going to go talk to daddy quickly.

He followed me. He asked me to play with the dough. He also wanted food. So I gave him a small snack, as we were going to be eating dinner shortly. I had a directory of photos open on my laptop. I wanted to look for photos of Ollie to post in a dedication to him on his Facebook page. I remember clearly thinking "I really want to do this, but I don't have to right now. It can wait. Right now I am spending time with Natey. I can do this when he is asleep".

So instead I flicked over to Whatsapp and sent about 7 lines to respond to Andrew's messages. This was at 19:57-19:58 (I still have the time stamped messages.)

I then listened. It was quiet. Weirdly quiet. Too quiet. I almost called out, instead I got up and walked to the dinning room, just a few paces away, around the corner.

Natey was not at his table. I immediately thought "Oh he's gone back down to the dog food". I was about to head through the kitchen to the backdoor to look down the stairs, when my instinct told me to 'sweep the pool'. Something I have always done. Every time I am not sure where a child is I always check the pool first. By default and as a routine. No part of me thought he was near the pool. I knew he wasn't. I nearly turned back, feeling silly...

Then I noticed the dog sitting out on the pool deck. I didn't think about it really. but how did he get out there? What was he doing there? Why was he sitting there, weirdly still, just staring into the distance?? So I walked out to the deck. Glanced at the pool and saw nothing. I almost turned back again. I called Natey's name this time... I think my sub-conscience realised that if he was by the dog food the dog would have been with him, right...? I walked another 2 steps forward, to where I could see right down into the pool - and was horrified to see Natey there at the bottom of the pool...

RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM!

WHAT THE FUCK!?? He was JUST standing next to me. Not 2 minutes before. I had JUST said, "Let me just talk to daddy quickly". Not annoyed, or in anger, or pushing him away. In a light and friendly way.

I bounded into the water, grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him up. As I brought him up my main concern was that he was going to be crying and upset, and what a shame it was that I had created this sad blip on an otherwise perfect day... But then I realised it was far worse that that. He was not coughing, or spluttering, or choking. Or Anything.

I rushed inside with him, grappling with his wet slippery naked body, pretty much falling over the baby gate and trying to hold him head down so the water would drain out of him. I put him down on the dinning room carpet and started mouth-to-mouth and did some chest compressions...

That sound of the air automatically exhaling after you do mouth-to-mouth will haunt me forever. Every. Fucking. Time. It happens I am convinced the person is breathing!! (I had also watched this just 2 months before when a colleague collapsed at our team-building event and I helped the guys with CPR efforts before the paramedics arrived... Sadly we watched our colleague die that day. But still the CPR was fresh in my mind. I knew the drill.).

After a very short time I realised I needed more help. I needed to get assistance, and an ambulance. Knowing our neighbour down the road had his full contingent of armed security standing guard a few hundred meters away,  I picked Natey up and I ran out to the street clutching him in my arms, pushing our alarm panic-button on the way out. I yelled out to the guards, "Help! Do you know CPR?!"

They saw me and came running up to us. By which time I had put Natey down next to the driveway and was carrying on doing CPR myself. I also sucked some saliva and vomit out of his mouth. Once they arrived and seemed to indicate they knew what to do, I let them take over. I told them he'd fallen in the pool and wasn't breathing. And they got started. I asked them to call an ambulance too and then ran back in to the house to grab a phone. I got the house phone and my mobile and ran back out to make sure they were doing CPR properly. I fumbled the phones and couldn't remember what number to dial but eventually dialed 107, and managed to place the call.

Ages and ages seemed to pass. I still ran inside pulled on some shorts (I was still just in my underwear) and then phoned again. They told me I had just called. I told them then why was NO ONE coming? They told me that were coming and to wait. I know I made what I think was the second call to 107 at 20:05. that's 5-6 minutes after sending the Whatsapps! (The SMS reference for the first call came through at 20:06, less than 7 minutes after. That was after finding him, doing CPR myself, taking him outside, doing more CPR, handing over to the security guys, going back into the house, going back out again, and then dialing and making the call to the emergency services. He can't have been alone for more than a minute or 2.

How in that time could he have got out onto the deck and climbed into the pool? Silently, with no noise from the gate. No talking. No dog bark. No splash. And more importantly WHY!?? WHY did he go out there? What was he doing?!

(Later that night we found his beloved front-loader truck floating in the pool. It had not been in the pool before. It was drying just outside the door from the day before. He must have climbed in with it. Gone down onto the second step... and? What?? Reached out for it and slipped in??)

How can that happen so fast!!!!? How can the child who'd stayed pinned to me in blissful loving amicability all day, telling me every thought and feeling, just wander off like that? I can't can't can't make sense of it or understand it. My brain just can't erase that image of my beautiful perfect baby. Andrew's beautiful perfect baby. Lying there at the bottom of the pool. Probably dead already when I found him.

How the fuck can that have happened when I loved him so much and when I was RIGHT THERE, with him, watching him and caring for him? Loving him and playing with him? Consciously focusing on him.

WHY was I so stupid to not let Andrew get someone to help me watch him?  Why was I selfish about wanting to have him to myself??

I failed Natey. And Andrew. My boys and myself. I should have played dough with him like he asked me to!

I frantically called Andrew, the alarm was still blaring. He was riding his bike home. I told him to get home immediately. He jumped in a taxi as fast as he could.

I was getting more and more anxious because the ambulances were just not arriving. I was running up and down, fetching towels, blankets, pillows, my handbag, pulling dry clothes on. Just running up and down as if that was doing any good! Pacing, praying. Wringing my hands. Asking why no one was coming!!??

Eventually the security guys said, "We have a siren, do you want to go?" I said yes. And so we piled into their Mercedes armoured vehicle. They turned on the siren and drove like mad-men, racing and hooting, accelerating, braking hard... Go go go! After 4-5 blocks an ambulance passed us speeding up the hill. Our driver  veered to the side of the road. The ambulance turned around and came back to us. And then another arrived and then another and another and another, and police and who knows who else? There must have been 4-6 ambulances, paramedics and police cars. We all piled out on the side of the road. The paramedics got to work. At first asking about the scar on his chest. I explained it was an aortic valve condition, but that it was fixed and he was fine. Please to just save him. They got an oxygen pipe in and got an ECG trace going... There was no heartbeat. NO FUCKING HEARTBEAT!!! I watched as they did CPR. Chest compressions, oxygen, adrenaline... There was a some movement on the ECG, then nothing, then something. I was praying to a god I don't believe in, begging, pleading, bargaining. I called Andrew again (at 20:19). Sobbing. Begging him to just get there... Stupidly believing that once he arrived everything would be ok. It always is when he is there.

I paced. I watched. I waited. Some well-meaning bystanders tried to make me go sit down, where I couldn't see or be 'upset'. Fuck that. I was staying right there. Watching. Willing. Being responsible. Wanting it to be ok. Andrew's cab pulled up and he rushed over.

We held each other. We watched. I said I was sorry. I nearly passed out. I thought I was going to faint, or vomit, or die. I wanted to.

I was chanting, "Breathe baby" under my breath.
Andrew said, "He's not going to make it".
I just said "No no no no no no".
They said "Let's go to the hospital"
A ray of hope!?

We all piled in to various vehicles. The security guys took Andrew and I in the Mercedes. We flew off in 4-5 vehicles. Sirens blaring on all of them. The whole of Sepoint and Fresnaye knew something bad was going on. We arrived at the hospital at 9pm. We went into the ER. A female doctor dressed in all black scrubs (I have never seen that before?). Took one look and said to the team, "Why did you come here?"

They hesitated and then glanced at us. Someone turned to us and said, "Can we take you to the Comfort Room?"
Andrew said "No we are staying"
I said "We won't interfere, please just do what you need to do."
They were still doing CPR. It was 21:05.
The paramedic looked at the doctors and said, "We've been doing CPR for an hour. We came because we wanted to show the parents we were doing everything we could."

That line told me what I needed to know. It was over. He was gone. The love of my life. The absolute love and light of Andrew's life. The light of Quinn and Griffin, Melinda, all of our families and everyone that knew or even saw him, was gone. Dead.

They all walked out then. And pulled the door closed. Leaving Natey lying there on the stretcher. And Andrew and I just standing there. Andrew took out his phone and started taking photos. He also used a pair of scissors to cut a lock of Natey's hair off. Realising he was never going to reach his milestone 3rd birthday and first haircut...

I immediately walked up to Natey and started taking everything off him. Andrew looked concerned and kind of did a double take then (I think he was wondering if I was allowed to be doing that.), I didn't care. I carefully pulled out the oxygen tube, pulled off the ECG probes, pulled out the IV line. I picked up my beautiful perfect baby boy, wrapped him in his blanket and went to sit down with him.

I sat there with him, cradling him to my chest, smelling him, breathing him in, kissing him over and over. Waiting for him to just open those beautiful eyes and be fine. He looked like he was sleeping. He was soft and warm, his lips were full and rosy. He felt like he was THERE.

After a while they took us to the Forensic Pathology Services (aka the Morgue) in the ambulance. We had to say goodbye to him there and hand him over. We had to talk to officials, police men, paramedics. Nothing made sense. I have no idea what happened there.

A kindly police constable took us home afterwards. Where we didn't sleep. The next morning we had to go back and see him again at the morgue to 'identify the body'. Worst experience ever.

Our beautiful baby. Beautiful beautiful beautiful boy. Our perfect fairy-tale.
The End.

130 comments:

  1. Oh Jane - once again so sad for your loss. We all know how much you loved him - it shone like the sun, always. Lots and lots of love.

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    1. Tears running while reading. My heart just breaks for you dear dear mom and dad. I believe on your behalf for peace and comfort. Xx

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    2. Thank-you Cat... it's so hard to accept that it is real.

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    3. Oh I'm so terribly sorry for you and Andrew. My thoughts and prayers are with you all 🌹🌹

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  2. He was perfectly loved and knew it. It is clear in his beautiful eyes and "light up the world" smile.

    It could have happened to any one of us mother/father/carer.

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  3. Oh Jane, how absolutely earth shattering. I am so sorry that Natey is dead. So, so sorry.

    ((hugs)) thinking of you so often.

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    1. Im am so very sory sory mommy for the losa of ypure beautiful baby boy my heart ia brwaking for you canot inmagine how it muat feel like

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  4. Jane, may your honesty and bravery in confronting Nathaniel's passing give you the strength you need to go on with your life. You are right; a ray of sunshine has gone from our lives but thanks to you and Andrew, we had a chance to share in that warmth. You are surrounded by friends and family who live you. Please hang in there. There are mysteries that can't be explained linearly. We are with you, Andrea, Quinn and Griff in heart and in spirit.

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  5. Jane, my heart breaks for you all. There is not a day that I don't think of you. xxx

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  6. I'm sorry Jane. The words seem feeble and empty. My heart breaks with yours.

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  7. Jane... I have no words... My heart is broken for you. There is not a day that I don't think of you and beautiful Natey. I can only send my love and pray that you find comfort and peace. Xxx

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  8. Jane... I have no words... My heart is broken for you. There is not a day that I don't think of you and beautiful Natey. I can only send my love and pray that you find comfort and peace. Xxx

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  9. Yolande de Klerk17 January 2017 at 11:21

    I'm sobbing. That was written so honestly. So beautifully.

    Thinking of you every day.

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  10. Absolutely devastating. Heartbroken for you xxxx

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  11. Dear Jane, I don't know you, but I know your pain. I am so so sorry. May your darling boy make his presence felt daily in your life. As my therapist said to me, unless you knowingly and willingly led him to that pool, hoping for him to go, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Anything else is a tragic accident, no one will ever know how quickly it can happen until the day that it does. So much love and healing to you and your family. xxxx

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    1. Thank-you Jami. When your one job is to keep them safe and protected, it is very hard not to feel responsible and like you have failed. But I hear what you are saying. xxx

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    2. Hi Jane

      I'm lost for words I feel u pain his such a cutie by seeing him smiling on each and every photo u have posted evens on his video clip including the one I just watch on YouTube u husband posted πŸ˜₯ I look at u photo holding u precious angel in u arm it's just to much. What happen is really not u fault really never ever blame u self. We take good care of our kids and we can do as so much to protect them. God picked his finist flower in his garden. U Nathaniel have his beautiful wings his smiling down on u and u family. He will always be by u side. His not gone his in spirit with u. His u gardian angel. As a mother to a mother just want to really say this touch me so deep I will forever keep u and u family in my prayers and thoughts. This is so fresh and will never leave u but as time go on it will just get better. By the photos and video clips I know u tucked him deep inside u heart. U one in a million mom he was taken good care of and loved dearly. I'm truely sorry from the bottom of my heart. May his beautiful precious soul rest in peace.

      All I can say I can't take u pain away but only comfort ❤πŸ˜ŸπŸ˜žπŸ˜–πŸ˜’πŸ˜‡

      Strong's to u Jane

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  12. Oh Jane, from the moment I heard about your devastating loss I've been thinking about you. I wish you peace and healing.

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  14. Jane, your bravery is beyond amazing - you did nothing wrong - it was a terrible, terrible accident. How many times could it have happened to me when my children were small? You were a wonderful, loving, caring mother - you did not deserve this. You did not fail Natey. I am so very sorry xxxx Love, Astrid xxx

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  15. Jane, reading this knocked the wind right out of me.. I cannot even begin to describe how so so so very sorry I am...you are constantly in my thoughts xxx

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  16. I know we do not know each other but I am so truly sorry for your loss. Ever since I read your story I give my little redhead an extra kiss at night as he reminds me so much of your baby. Lots of strength and love to you.

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  17. My heart breaks for you, there are no words that can help your grief. Thank you for sharing, perhaps it will help another parent.

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  18. This was written beautifully Jane. Thank you for sharing and that last photo - gosh such a precious moment. You express your love, joy, happiness, besottedness with your gorgeous little Natey,as well as your shock, anger, sadness, sorrow and disbelief by your loss and this tragic accident. My wish for you everyday is not to be hard on yourself. That the pain could just go away. I think of you constantly Jane and although I dont know Andrew I pray for you to be there for each other. Sending love xxxx

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  19. I have no words. No mom should ever, ever have to go through what you experienced. So very, very sorry for your shocking heartbreak. Thanks for sharing your story. Sending hugs. xx

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  20. Jane I don't know you but I have a 16-month old son. And this is my absolute worst fear come true in your life. I am so so so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I know you don't believe in God, but I do and I will pray for your comfort. I don't know how a mommy's heart can take saying goodbye to her baby.

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  21. I'm so sorry for your loss. May God (whether you believe or not doesn't matter to me) comfort you and bring you peace.

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  22. Jane..i have no words that could ever ease your grief.....this was so raw and honest..my heart is shattered for you :(

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  23. Jane, you don't know me, I'm a work friend of Andrew's and I have been following your story and sharing just a tiny bit of your pain since the beginning. What you are describing is the secret fear every single parent on this planet. To write your story as you have done requires immense courage and I salute you for it. I understand that it is impossible not to go over those last minutes in your mind and ask 'what if' or 'why'. All I ask is that you and Andrew go gently on yourselves. The two or three days that you have described are as perfect days as a mother and child (and by extension dad) could possibly imagine. Try to take that as your gift to each other.
    You are all very much in my thoughts and prayers.

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  24. wishing you strength, with your precious memories as some comfort.

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  25. In tears reading this. Jane, you have been in my thoughts constantly, as has Andrew and your boys.
    Natey was very very loved.

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  26. Hi Jane, I used to be on BN ages ago, and still FB friends with a few members, and when I saw the posts going up, I was devastated, as I also read the story on the news, and no idea it was someone I actually "knew" (even though it was only online, and a long time ago) You have written this so beautifully and with so much emotion. I am really so sorry for your loss. And wish you and your boys and Andrew only the very best and strength.

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  27. Jane, I cannot imagine how it must be for you and Andrew. Nate truly was a beautiful, lively little bolt of energy with an ever-ready smile, even for me - a relative stranger.

    When we bumped into you three at the March for the Arch, I was struck by how happy you all looked and how right it felt to see the three of you meandering at two-year old speed. I salute your brave and frank telling of a story that now colours every fibre of you. All power to you, Andrew, your big boys and everyone who loved your shiny little boy.

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  28. Hi Jane,
    I heard about your tragedy from my husband who works with Andrew. I was shattered for you and how you came to lose your child. I pray that time heals for you, I can't imagine what you're feeling but I have children myself, so I do know that this must hurt like hell. I hope that you reunite with your babyboy one day but hold on to the wonderful memories everyday for now.

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  29. Jane you and yours are in my thoughts and heart constantly. Natey was an absolute ray of sunshine, and you were the best mommy he could have had. It was an unthinkable accident and it could happen to any one of us. I'm so sorry Jane.

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  30. I couldnt breathe while reading this...My heart breaks for you all.

    But thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful boy with us...

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  31. I'm sobbing as I read this. ..as in December I came home and found my 14m old baby boy on the 2nd step of the pool. How long he'd been there, how he didn't fall in or try to get in at the deepside. ...how I dodged the bullet of my life...it haunts me still. I collapsed once he was out of the pool. I cannot for a minute fathom the depth of your pain and guilty feelings. I and so so sorry for your loss . My heart is broken for you and your family.

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    1. OMG my blood ran cold reading this.... I am so glad your baby was ok. I can't bear for this to happen to anyone else...

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  32. Oh Jane! I am crying so hard reading this. I can't believe he is gone. I am so incredibly sorry. Thinking of you always. X

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  33. Dear Jane, my heart aches for you and your boys.
    You are in my prayers.

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  34. No Mom should go through this. There are absolutely no words for this kind of pain! I am so so sorry for your loss. xx

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  35. We have mutual friends from Girls High days and your posts started coming through on my Facebook newsfeed. I am so, so sorry for your loss but the love you had for Natey comes through in your writing. I once read that after a loss like this, you never really come to terms with it. You learn to live in a parallel universe where you are unfamiliar with the laws or the language. I just hope that you find the strength, faith, love or whatever it is you need to get through this xx

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    1. Thanks this seems to be true. Everything is the same, but nothing is the same. It's like the earth's axis titled and everything is familiar but off kilter and walking straight has become hard. I am unbalanced.

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  36. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mere words I know but I know what it is to hold the lifeless body of my baby in my arms and ask why over and over again. My little girl would have been 12 this year. She is 11 years gone and the feelings come flooding back as I read this. I'm wishing you strength to get through this, there is no time line to grief. Blogging helped me get through those first months and years. I don't know you but I feel for you and your family. Big hugs.

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  37. Dear Jane, I'm just a fellow blogger. I don't know you personally but your post shook me to the core. "Sorry" is not enough to express my sincerest condolences on the loss of your beautiful boy. Sending you lots of strength during this horrific time that no parent should ever experience.

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  38. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss of your precious child. Like the others have said, your story shakes me to the core, as this is something that could have happened to any of us. Praying for comfort for you and the entire family and holding you in my heart. I am so sorry.

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  39. Dearest Jane.... there will never be enough words to express my sincerest sympathy... you are a wonderful mother... you did everything right... you DID NOT fail Natey... it was a TRAGIC accident... may you find the peace you soooo dearly need in the wonderful memories you carry of your Beautiful Boy... stay strong Lovely, and know your other two sons and Husband need you... thinking of you... xx

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  40. My heart aches for you, sending love to you and your family.

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  41. Dear Jane and Andrew I don't know you both but I have read this and sincerely hope that everyones wishes thoughts prayers words give you some kind of strength to get through this. Please don't take blame for this on yourself. This could happen to any mother who cant watch their child every second of the day because accidents happen. I was nearly killed when I was small and my parents took their eyes off me for a bit thinking I was safe and I got run over by a car. I feel your Natey is still with you not physically but in soul and in your heart forever

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  42. Jane you are in my thoughts every single day. I am always thinking about you, Andrew, Griffin and Quinn. Sending you so much love and hugs. xxx

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  43. Dear Jane, someone shared this story on Facebook commenting on how brave the woman was who wrote it. I started reading and somewhere near the beginning when speaking about your son, his ear problem and the amazing doctor who helped you I realized this was your story. I will always remember you as one of the strongest, craziest and most caring woman - a single mother of steel with so much space for fun and a huge heart that embraced so many other people. I am completely heartbroken and devestated for you. I don't know what else to say. Please know that I will be holding you and your family very close xxx

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    1. Hi Megan... Thank-you. This is just so unbearably devastating. We were so happy, and everything was just perfect. :'(

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  44. Oh this is heartbreaking im so sorry for your loss

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  45. Dear Jane, I am so very sorry for your and Andrew's loss; such a shining young man he was. Thank you for sharing your story - Sending you lots of love, Sarah

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  46. HI Jane and Andrew, I don't know you at all, but have read your blog and am just sobbing for what you all had to go through. Don't blame yourself, just remember the last couple of perfect days you had with your son. It won't bring him back but what a lucky child to have you as a mother. We all take things so much for granted and spending the time you had with just him, is amazing. Sending so much love and peace to all of you. With love Sue

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  47. Jane, I am a first time reader of your blog, having heard your story a couple of week's ago from mutual online friends.
    Your story, Natey's untimely passing, it has haunted me. I am so terribly sorry for your loss as trite and unhelpful as that sounds. There really are no words.
    Your story, your tragedy, has made me hyper aware of all the dangers that lurk, so innocently in our homes.
    Sending love to you and your family.

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  48. I read your story yesterday on Facebook and cried. So hard. Why is life so unfair? I thank you for sharing your story and your pain. I know that cannot be easy. But I will have your words , your story in my head and my heart always! As a new Mom myself, I feel that you have strengthen me in some way, maybe made me a little more aware of the dangers and hopefully your story can help protect other little souls. My thoughts, love and warmth to you, your husband and your precious little boy xxx

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  49. Jane, I am so sorry for your loss- I know no words can ever make it better, I feel your pain. I wish I could erase the time for you, and go back to that day, so it couldve been different. My little girl was in Nateys class from October last year, and I remember seeing him every morning. We arrived at the same time. I dont even know you guys but I feel this pain in my heart, so bad. I hate that this happened. Its killed me so I can only imagine what its done to you. Im so sorry. If you need anything, anytime, Pls contact me. Claudia 082 709 9997 You are in my thoughts.

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  50. I don't know you, but my heart is in pieces for you and your family. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss! Such an incredibly beautiful little boy! Thank you for sharing this incredibly painful, but important part of your life with other parents. I can offer no words of comfort, but I do wish you & your family comfort, love, light and peace in your time of grief.

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  51. Devastated for your family. Your story, told so honestly, brought back the horror of the day we lost our daughter over 7 years ago now. It was SIDS that took her on a holiday to my folks in Joburg but I totally get the whole going over it in your head a million times of "what ifs". It's devastating to think if I'd checked on her 5 minutes earlier our whole lives would be different. You cannot blame yourself. I spent a lot of time saying why us? But the truth is why not us. Tragedy can strike any one any time so it's so important to treasure each day and know you had no control over it. I hope your family will help you find the stength to slap on a brave face and a half smile and carry on until the smiles eventually hold some truth again. I had rainbow twins a year later and they helped us feel a little less lost. If you can - listen to the song Beam me up by Pink x I find it really comforting on the tough days. You will always have tough days but the days between them increase with time x sending so much love from the UK to SA x

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    1. Thank-you Claire. I am so sorry for your loss. That must have been awful. Thanks for the song. I just listened to it now...

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  52. How heart-breakng your story is. I feel completely forlorn and sad and can't imagine what you went through and what you must still go through. My sincerest condolences to you, your familyand your friends.

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  53. I am SO sorry for your loss! There are just no words. :(

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  54. I am so so sorry for your loss Jane, I'm thinking of you and your family! It was a tragic accident, don't blame anything or anyone..It really was out of your control, sadly so. May you have strength during this time. Sending you love and light Jane! Natey spent his last day absolutely loving and adoring life, at his happiest with his precious mom & you gave him that gift...He is always with you! In spirit <3 Lots of love, Daniela

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  55. Utterly devastating. So, so sad for you all. What a loved child!

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  56. My heart aches for you, wishing you strength and courage, you are a wonderful mother.

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  57. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. Although we don't know each other, my prayers are with you.

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  58. No words for this poor family. And this poor mother who acted no differently to how any of us normal, responsible parents who love our kids beyond words would have. It truly can happen to anyone.

    I hope that over time she finds the strength to forgive herself. There but for the the grace of G-d

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  59. I am in tears reading this. No words. RIP little baba xxxx

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  60. Thank-you everyone for your love and support and understanding. It was so very difficult for me to write what happened. But I had to. I had to get it out and to confront every moment in detail. I need (and desperately HOPE) to be able to think of Natey without just having those visions of him in the last hour in my head constantly. I want to remember all the before stuff.. and I think I am hoping that if I go right into those traumatic memories I can process and resolve them..? Truthfully I don't think I can move away from them. They are part of me now.

    I had no idea how much 'attention' we'd get, or how many people would read this post. Or how very kind and compassionate people can be. In the midst of the worst grief, sadness, sorrow and loneliness of my life, I have seen and felt more love, kindness and generosity of spirit than I ever have before. Thank-you, it has brought me some light in these dark dark times.

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    1. Jane, we don't know each other. Since the day I heard of Natey. I am upset. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think of you, your family and Natey. Don't you dare blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. You are and have been an amazing mother to all your boys including Natey. I know that for sure. Life is so fucking unfair. So many people this past two months have passed on... Not people I personally know... But friends of friends or colleagues. Dr. Ollie, then this 31 year old mom last week who had leukemia and didn't even know. She died suddenly from a brain infection caused by the leukemia she didn't know of. She left behind 2 beautiful daughters, a 3 year old and 6 year old and her husband. She was fit, strong and I didn't even know her.

      All this happening. And here I am sitting with anxiety and depression the past few years. Started with post natal depression and then with life's ups and downs turned into major depression where i became suicidal. My ups and downs were by no means of losing a close relative. Just life's usual stress, a drug addicted brother and trying to be a stay at home mom to my 3 year old. Fuck... I have nothing to be depressed about. My life is fucking fine and here I was being so ungrateful. I have learnt to stop being ungrateful, complaining of never having enough help or support. I have a whole new take on life. I don't feel depressed anymore. And my eyes opened because of all these horrible news happening to families like you. I am so sorry Jane. I wish I could hug you. I cried reading your story of how everything unfolded and everytime I found myself wishing to magically change the ending. I'm so so sorry. Every day I think of you. Natey is with you every day. Please don't be hard on yourself. You didn't do anything. I wish I could at least take your pain and suffering away. Hugs, love and light.

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    2. Thank-you for this note. I know depression and mental health issues are very difficult challenges and can not be easilly dismissed or resolved by just eating better, excercising, trying harder, being grateful etc. But I do think there is a lot we can do to improve how we think and feel and support ourselves in ways that focus on the good and uplift us rather than dragging us down. I have been through my fair share of trials and tribulations and have a history of depression in my family. I have generally been able to pull myself out of the dark black cave when I have found myself sliding into to. Thank-yu for letting me know that my story had a positive impact on you, and I really hope you are able to continue to feel better and to be grateful for the life you have as you move forwards. Much Love Jane xxx

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    3. Thank you for your kind words. Everything you say is so true. Natey forever remains in my heart. And whenever the thought of feeling overwhelmed or depression sets in. I see his beautiful face. And I honestly believe that his work as an angel has touched so many dolls and lives. Because of Natey and you, I love my daughter, husband and loved one's more. I kiss her with my eyes closed, hold her a little bit longer, breathe and smile if she doesn't listen and speak more gently. I have become so much more conscious of my behaviour. Natey, you are loved by do many. You are and will always be special. Our angel. Jane a big tight hug. Be safe be well xxx

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  61. I'm in tears right now with your story. Without you knowing, God gave you the perfect last day with your boy without all the tragic incidents. I'm sooo sooo sorry for your loss. Big hug for you mommy, big big hug!!!!

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  62. Please get grief counseling, do not leave it too long. I did for a loss I have never recovered from and I spent years tormenting myself with what if's. Jane you are an amazing woman who has over come so much in life. You have so much love for your children. I keep you and Andrew always in my mind and prayers.

    I wish this were a bad dream you could wake up from. Ever since I read Andrew's message I cannot stop holding and touching my little one and shedding tears for you. I cannot begin to comprehend the pain you are going through and yet I can fell it off of every word you type and every image you so generously share with all of us.

    Sending you love and light. Keep posting, keep sharing and I do not doubt for even a moment that all of us will keep trying to will you peace. We cannot ease your pain away and for that my heart aches for you.

    Marianne

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    1. Thank-you. I am getting various types of support from a few people. Talking about it and getting it out of my head and heart definitely helps...

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  63. Dearest Jane. Being a mom of a 2.5yr old in Cape Town your story really hit home and left me feeling numb. I don't have the right words to say or pass on to you other to say that you are an amazing mother. Your beautiful baby was very dearly loved that much is evident. You have been and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Part of me did not want to read your blog as I know it would tear me apart and the other had to out of respect for you your family and your angel. From one mom to another. Sending you love and strength. x

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  64. So so sorry for the loss of your beloved beautiful baby boy. My heart aches for you all!

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  65. I don't know you Jane but your story is seated in my brain and I pray for you and Andrew. Your love is pslpable, we can all feel it. I am so sorry.❤

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  66. This was a hard read. I'm aching and so sorry for your terrible loss. xx

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  67. You just gave my life some meaning, thanks for you story.

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  68. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say will help, so I'm not going to add more. I'm so sorry.

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  69. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say will help, so I'm not going to add more. I'm so sorry.

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  70. I am a 22 year old young lady - this just breaks my heart.�� sending Love, strength and light to you and your family ������ I have unfortunately not met Natey, but by just reading this, I've grown immense love for him! I'm sure everyone that came in contact with him did too �� precious little angel. �� May his would rest in peace sweet little boy. I have a nephew and cannot imagine anything close to this happening to him ��

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  71. Thank you Jane for pouring out your heart. I am so sorry for your loss. I read this while on my daily commute (Burlington - Toronto). Your post made me realise that fighting over uneaten spinach is really not worth it. It made me wonder if this commute is worth it. It made me run to my car and I couldn't wait to feel those little arms and legs wrap around me for hallo kisses.
    Life is short and kids grow fast.
    I promise to cuddle one more time before I leave home. My prayer for you and your family is that the Holy Spirit will dry your years and replace them with fountains of joy.
    Hannelie van Niekerk

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  72. Hi Jane, I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss. Your blog post was so moving -- and absolutely heartbreaking. I'm the online editor from YOU Magazine, and I wondered if you'd consider letting us republish this on our website. I think it's so important to get the message out there to other parents. Of course, I totally understand if you'd prefer not to. If you'd like to get in touch, my email address is Kirstin.Buick@you.co.za.

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  73. You are an amazing Mom! Wow you did your absolute best and more.xxx

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  74. Hi Jane, so sorry for your loss. Your last paragraph is bringing all the memories back of my experience almost 8 months ago losing my 3 year old daughter after a 2-day fight with a brain tumor. Reliving it all, beautifully written. I'm shivering and crying like I did that awful day. Holding her and not wanting to let go. At all. Ever. And with every kiss I give my 8 months old baby boy I feel the pain and relive the moment. You and family are in my thoughts. Even though we don't know each other. Stay strong. A red-eyed dad

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  75. Heart breaking to read......thank you Jane for sharing, love and light to you and your family xxxx

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  76. Oh Jane. I'm without words. I am so incredibly sorry for your and Andrew's loss. I do not want to imagine your heartache. Just comfort and peace I wish you. Xxxxx

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  77. Jane...I have no words. I cannot imagine in the slightest what you and your family are going through. Even though I have never met Natey, I followed his life online as you shared it. I was devastated by the news and wish there was some way I could help or make it better. I know you blame and resent yourself for what happened, but I can't help feeling troubled when I read that. It doesn't feel right inside me, if that makes sense. I can understand why you do, searching for answers, searching for a reason, for someone to blame. I know you are an amazing mother. I know you are not negligent. I know you love your children more than the air you breathe. Be kind to yourself. Sending you so much love x

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  78. Jane and Andrew I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a child is no pain a parent should bear. I know this pain. Tears are streaming. I am thinking of you all during these days, months and years ahead. Love and light to you all. Stay strong.

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  79. Hi Jane, I am a facebook 'friend' of yours, I think we linked through one of the mommy groups years back. No parent should ever have to experience their worst nightmare. I read your words and cry for you. After reading your blogpost, the clear love and devotion you have for your baby is inspiring. I am so so so sorry for your and your family's loss. I pray that time will ease your broken heart. Eloise

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  80. I am so so sorry Jane! My heart breaks for you. My first son was stillborn and although I know our experiences are very different I completely understand running through everything you did and experienced leading up to this horrific moment. What could I have done differently? I was his mother, I should have known something was wrong. Why didn't I pay more attention? What could I have done differently? I relived the moments before, during and after. I held my lifeless 3.1kg baby for five hours. Taking him in. As I put my index finger under his little fingers they suddenly dropped and curled around mine, for a split second I thought he was alive. But he wasn't and I knew in that moment that it did not matter what I achieved in my life, who I became, how nice I was or if I did anything in particular - nothing would change what had just happened. My son was dead. And I knew I would wake up again and again and face that reality. I wanted to honour my son with living and didn't want the legacy of his life to have been the collapse and downfall of his strong, funny, happy, vibrant mother - that wasn't why he had been given to me, even for such a short period of time. He would have turned 13 years old on Valentine's Day this year. It took me a very long time to work through my grief to a point of 'acceptance'. I smiled, I worked, I went on to adopt and have another son but I grieved. My heart was physically fragile for so long, it ached. I hear you Mommy, I get you and I am so so sorry. Life is a long time to miss someone every minute of every day. I'd say stay strong but I know you will. I can sense that undeniable strength you have. Cry when and as much as you need to, allow your husband to grieve in his way with no judgement. Support each other and your older boys. You are in my heart forever, we belong to a club of mothers we never wanted to be a part of but we carry each other. Much love.

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  81. So so sorry for your loss. We had an experience also but we were lucky. Our little girl was 13 months when she fell in swimming pool was lying on her back on top of the water no heart beat nothing we start praying a day rushing to doctor crying prayers from all around after 10 minutes dead she started throwing up water went to icu for a week there was luckily no complications God saved our girl that day miracle from above she Wil one day tell us about it. Still haunts me everyday but giving God all the praise!!!

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  82. The tears are flowing as I read your story.. So very sorry for your loss. I pray that time heals your broken heart xx

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  83. As I read each line of your story while lying down next to me 3 yr old, I could sense something was to happen. When I got to that most horrifying part of you finding Natey in the pool, I was just waiting to read the line that said he opened his eyes. But that line never came. I cried and cried and crying some more. Somehow I feel and share your pain and wish I could just come and sit by you and take some of that pain away, share it with you somehow.
    Jane, there are no words, no bandaid, no solution and no reason. My heart and soul cries for you and your husband.You need to live the life your baby would have wanted you to live.
    I wish you strength and courage and light.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us.

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  84. Dearest Jane, I am so very sorry for your and your family's loss of your gorgeous little Natey. What you wrote was so heart-wrenching and touching. I know you will always have questions and wonder what happened and why it happened, but sometimes there are no answers and so I pray that you find peace. xxxx

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  85. Dearest Jane
    I read this terribly sad story last night, and woke up with a sore & heavy heart. I think i must've been crying in my sleep too ;(
    Jane, I'm so sorry for the pain and loss you're experiencing. I pray that all the love u feel for your child is what will consume you and comfort you during your saddest days.
    Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. We the readers, will take it to heart and always remember that accidents can happen so easily.
    I pray no one else will have to endure something like this ;(
    May God be with you and your family

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  86. dearest Jane .Reading this with tears in my eyes. Im sorry for your and your family loss...I dont even know what to say but as a mother i can only try imagine your pain and heart break and that already sending me off in tears. ,y prayers are with you always...

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  87. Dear Jane
    I'm so sorry for your loss i couldn't and cant stop crying at all.. My heart aches for you and your Hubby. Accidents happen so quickly. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I pray that God guides you through this time which will never be easy.. sending you strength and Love.. I'm truly sorry for your loss

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  88. I'm so sorry to read about this, one of the saddest and most devastating things I've read. I have a 2 year old boy and have no idea how I'd ever cope with losing him. It sounds like you were amazing parents and I'm sure even though his life was cut short it was a great life and that he loved you very much. All the best with the healing process, and thank you for sharing your story.

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  89. My heart broke whilst reading this. I'm thinking of you and your family.
    No words can take away your pain but I'm so so sorry for your loss.

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  90. Dearest Jane,

    You don't know me but as I read this post it was and is gut wrenching, but when you said you automatically check the pool is when this post resonated so much with me because the fear i feel when i cannot hear my daughter who is 2 and the panic that automatically sets in, it is here i got a glimpse of what you felt, in that one sentence you brought me to my knees and the rest of this post was read through tears.

    I am so so sorry for your loss. In a world that no longer make sense may you find the strength to make it through each day.

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  91. Hi There, perhaps you would like to join an online community to share your grief. http://www.theworstclubintheworld.org/

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  92. Dearest Jane

    Someone shared u story on Facebook and only saw it now and while reading and seeing u beautiful angels pics with it I was didn't I read this somewhere about this gorgeous boy? And I'm reading till the end I'm like no man I did read this it's a old story anyway then at the bottom it's say click for full story and it took me to Nathaniel's Facebook page and I was this can't be his a month passes on shock face how can this be?

    I went through all u photos and videos of him till it brought me to the video of u husband posting a memorial for him on YouTube. my heart was shattered into million pieces such a happy kid always a smile on his face his so clever for so young talking like his old enough to talk sentence in full.

    Jane I can't imagine what u must be going through, I can't imagine what u feeling right now but what I can tell u I feel u lost to u beautiful angel. No words can take that pain away but only comfort u. It will never leave u it will always be there just thinking about him, his things around the house etc. Pain only ease as times goes on but u will have u off days.

    His safe in our fathers arms, his a shining star, looking down on u and his dad brothers everyone that loved him. I don't think I will ever get over this it's too heartbreaking it's left me speechless with only tears running down my face. U must not blame u Jane. We as parents can only do as so much. We try our best to keep them from harm. U one in a million mom and I salute u.

    God picked his finist flower in his garden. He needed Nathaniel and he knows u one strong lady. We must never ask why but we only human. We can't help to question God but he knows best. U angel will forever be with u and u family might not be in body but in spirit. His u gaurdian angel from above now. His loved u very much and he knew he had one in a million mommy. His words to u saying u beautiful and ask if u happy and u asking him if his happy and he said his happy. When u think of him always smile he don't want to see u heartbroken. Jane today life is so short but u spent every single moment with his last few hours and that's a true blessing look at it from that. I feel so so so sorry really I wish I can ease u pain, give u a massive hug saying it will be ok. He definitely have made a place in my big heart. Will keep u and u family in my prayer and thoughts 24h a day and night every minute and seconds.

    Be strong Jane u not alone u story made a hole in my heart too. May his beautiful gorgeous loving soul rest in peace.

    πŸ˜–πŸ˜žπŸ˜ŸπŸ˜’ I'm so lost and sad and emotional right now. Will follow u daily lotsa love from one mother to the other.

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  93. dear jane. i am so heartbroken reading your experience. such a beautiful little angel. u and him are in all our hearts and prayers. please take care and be strong.

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  94. dear jane. i am so heartbroken reading your experience. such a beautiful little angel. u and him are in all our hearts and prayers. please take care and be strong.

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  95. Hi Jane. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am from Yahoo and was wondering if I could tell your story for our website? You can contact me on Scarty@yahoo-inc.com

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  96. Hi Jane, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm from Yahoo and I was wondering if we could use your story on our website? Let me know at Scarty@yahoo-inc.com

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  97. Jane, my heart aches for you and your husband, reading this story about this beautiful child who was taken away so early. I am in tears thinking about this and wondering what I would do if the same thing had happened to my 18 month old. I went through post natal depression when she was born, but overcame it somehow and am now able to enjoy my baby the way I was meant to. You were making the most of your time with your precious son and never doubt that you were a wonderful mother to him. I can tell by the way you write about him. I believe that every child chooses their parents and Nate chose you both for a reason. I am sure you made his short life a wonderful one, so dont have any regrets, just celebrate the wonderful life you had with him and the privilege of being his parents. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  98. Oh dear Jane, I don't know you and my heart bleeds terribly for you and your famil, but thank you from the bottom for sharing this and reminding us all to treasure every moment of every day. Perhaps from this tragedy, you have become our guardian angel and in some strange way, maybe Natey knew it was his time to go and made sure he left you with wonderful, meaningful memories and the knowledge that you are a beautiful Mommy. I wish you all the strength and happiness and healing from this day onwards. Much love Robyn xxx

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  99. I don't know you, I'm not a mom but I feel your pain. I am SO very sorry! Your angel is playing in the clouds now and watching over you and your family. I wish you healing and strength πŸ˜±πŸ˜­πŸ˜°πŸ’”

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  100. So so very sad for your lost,I couldn't imagine how you must be feeling,I've seen this post over and over again on my new feed on Facebook but could never find the time to really open it and red it and i am more then happy and sad that i did, becasue now I as a mother to a nearly three year old baby girl love and cherish her even more thank you for being so brave to write this story it has really touched me in May ways.

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  101. I am so so so sad for your lost,I am a mother to a three year old little girl and just to say I am very proud of your bravery to write this or type this.You have touched me with this story in many ways,thank you... and i do prayer that you will find peace within God..... my deepest sympathy to you and your whole family...

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  102. Wow just wow! I don't even know what to say that just got me so emotional it's unbelievable I will never forget what I've just read! I'm actually speechless all I can say is I'm glad you had such an amazing last day with him and I will always keep you and your family in my prays no mother should ever go through such an horrific happening but God knows best and His plans are better than our own. Your little Natey is an angel now happily playing in the heavens above and I hope you and your family comfort and that this terrible incident brings you all closer to each other... I'll think of you always! Sending you hugs and all my love xx

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  103. This was the most heart breaking thing I have read all year. Sending love your way x

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  104. Dear Jane,

    I read your story a while ago but I keep thinking about it. It has shaken me. So quick, so easy and your angel was gone. Nothing you could have done. And I look at my darling boy and the fear takes me. I lost a child before and I can't think how I would feel to loose my gorgeous baby. I would loose my mind. Dearest Jane, I can't imagine your pain. I don' t have a clue howw one gets through this. But take it minute by minute. Breathe. There's not much else to say. Just know, by telling it you might save another mom's baby. And you impacted lives.

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  105. Dear Jane,

    I read your story because it was shared to the Mama-hood Group on Facebook and my heart goes out to you. It all happened so fast and I cannot even imagine the million pieces your heart broke into that day. Having a little boy myself I do know that sometimes so many things are beyond our control and its like your heart roaming outside your body. Your story has taught me though that every second in life is precious. Lots of healing and love to you and hubby.... <3

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  106. Dear Jane

    We do not know each other but I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your story will stay with me for a very long time as will my thoughts and prayers.
    I hope you find peace and healing.

    Much love

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  107. Jane, your story of how your magical day with Natie ended so tragically broke my heart. I also lost a son and the hell you are going through is something that I can relate to. Your boy was beautiful and a happy little man. Lots of love

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  108. Jane, My heart breaks for you. I clicked on this link, because, my daughter, Anna Anderson, is an ISR Instructor here in Michigan. I usually share her post on Facebook. I like to read the stories attached to them. Yours is truly the most moving, that I have read. She became an ISR Instructor, because our grandson Ashton, almost drowned. Telling her story, to this day, brings tears to my eyes & my grandson survived. I do know your pain on a personal level. Our oldest son took his own life on 3/1/96. Our lives were forever changed that day. The only way that we were able to go on, is with Heavenly help. The Lord Jesus, guided us through that murky water. We started going to church on a regular basis & the pastor's message for weeks was "Pursue overtake & recover all." I didn't quite understand what that meant until, I became pregnant, with another boy. He is now 19 & an absolute joy. The Lord Jesus can do miraculous things. May you find comfort in the arms of the Lord Jesus. Praying for you!

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  109. I keep reading this and every time it breaks my heart a little bit more. I am a mum to two year old twins and a five year old and i cannot begin to comprehend how you are feeling. They pain in your words is so clear and I cannot believe how brave you were to write this. I hope you can find some peace and that you have lots of love around you to help you at this awful time x

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  110. Hello Jane,I read your story, I'm sorry that you had to lose your beautiful baby this way. Please do not blame yourself for what happened. As parents we want to project and shield our children, unfortunately it's not always possible. I can share in your fear and horror when your saw him, I'll relate my story; I was doing my daily pool sweeping and removing leaves with my daughter who had just celebrated her 2nd birthday. Every day the same, baby stay by me, that day tho I took photos of her all dressed in pink and looking so cute. We chatted to the parrot and started cleaning. She was right next to me while I picked up the leaves and the next moment without warning she was going down. I don't know how or what just happened. I did not think I just jumped in after her. I was wearing my white winter gown, it weighed me down and I struggled to get her out. Somehow we made it to the shallow end of the pool and I pushed her out. I was crying she was crying, it was a nightmare. My baby lived(she'll be 5 soon). In my gown was phone i used to take photos. I could not fix it, and that did not matter. My baby was alive. I often think of that day and when she or any of my older children swim I watch them like a hawk. Will remember your Natey in my prayers. Will pray for peace and heading to fill your life. Your story Will help others and know that many Will remember you and your family in prayer esp your bright eyed baby.

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